Starting a new...

isnt as we as we thought it would be...

Alot of thing we have to forgive and forgo...

Alot of thing that has been done can never be undone...

The hurt that he given can never be taken away...

The trust is broken......

The love is missing or hidden....

I did some changes....

Or should I say I have change...

the way of expressing my love and etc........

He notice it...

And didn't like them...

But I don't know what to do..

I am heart broken...

He know it...

trying to avoid topic too...

He is confused and under stress...

I aren't....

Just that......

I really don't know what I can do....

it takes two hands to clap...

boi...

if you are not going to change...

or do anything....

I'm afraid...

our feeling will drift us apart......

Do you still love me like how you do in the past?

I wonder.... who is the one that have been beside me for 2 years...

I realised... till now... I don't really know who he is....

Then why?

Why am I still holding on?

Why am I still lying to myself?

Waiting for miracle?

I don't know....

But the truth is... If I were to chose again... Now really I won't choose back the old path...

Is ok if its hurt....

Is ok to suffer and cry...

But is never never ever ok......

That the love wasn't there... or it wasn't deep enough...

I can accept alot of things...

But not towards the feelings... towards love.....

you know?

I always don't understand...

How can people two-time?

Love... is something that you can only give to one person isn't it?

Till now... I still don't understand.....

But I realised....

True love does not exist....

True Love are just two words for naive people like me to believe...

If true love does exist....

Betray will never exist...

I don't know.... Maybe I have never met the right one in the right place yet...

Or I have.. but is not at the correct time....

I don't know.......

Really.....

What do I want now?

What the purpose of it?

Ya... What if he really got something...

But nevertheless he chose it over me.....

Whatever it is...

He chose to leave me...

Yet, he keep tell me that I am the one that is outmost important...

He said that she doesn't mean anything?

Yet keep telling her, He love her and ask her out?

I want him to bring me to club...

Cannot... Don't want...

Yet, he ask her out for clubbing?

Ya.. Maybe you just say only...

But, come on...

If she were to agree? Won't you go with her?

I was so so so so so so naive to have listen and believe that you only love me.....

I am your one and only one.....

You are guilty and sorry for what you have done...

But now?

I am stupid. Yes I am. The most stupiest woman in the world is none other than the one blogging now...

I saw and heard facts...

Yet I still chose to stay...

Why?

HA..

Don't ask me that...

Seriously...

I don't know at all..

Not at all ok.....

The only thing I want to do now..

Is get everything back to the same...

And slowly find out what had been going wrong?

What happen?

Till then.....

I can't do anything...

But to suffer silently...

Yes..

I admit that I can't let go this relationship....

I may not be a good girlfriend...

But definitely a faithful one....

I put in my heart, my soul into this relationship....

I never hold back anything ....

Just like a spoilt running tap...

Water keep flowing out.....

The water = my love...

I trusted him...

alot...

alot...

alot...

You know?

I can even die for him...

I swear upon this...

If a car would come running towards him...

I will run towards him and push him away.....

If a knife would be going to be stab in his heart...

I pull him aside and let myself be the one....

If we were at the end of the edge of a high rise building...

Being force by enemy that only one to survive...

I would jump down without a second thought and keep him alive...

If one of us has to be force to drink a poisonous liquid...

I will drink it without any consideration......

My love...... is there........

everyone saw it.......

But i don't need anyone to see it...

I love him... wholeheartedly...

Always people tell me...

Your boy will finally one day leave you for another girl..

Your boy will finally one day betray you........

I will always say confidently....

If any reason he were to leave me...

It will never ever because of a girl...

He will never never never ever betray me...

I told everyone this...

No matter what I have doubt of him...

I have never never ever doubt about his heart...

His feeling towards me........

But that was just naive of me......

Girl, people do grow and change....

You have see so many examples....

Yet you trust that he is the special one?

Yes... I trusted him........

Again and again...

I forgive him....

Again and again.....

In the end........

What did I get?

Dump alone outside at plaza singapura, asking other girl/s out...., telling them he likes them and etc.........

What the hell am I?

Subsitute or reservation?

I wonder.........

Does he......................

Boy do you?

Do you ever know what is the meaning of love?

Do you ever know.......

The meaning of heartbroken............

Boy.......

you broke my heart..........

so deep...

It never stop bleeding when I chose to leave.......

You ask me to stay and forgive.........

Yet you make it bleed more than it should be........

Boy you are not the one that I know, love and stay together for two years..........

I don't know who you are........

Not anymore......................

I don't know I really don't know... This relationship always happen like this...

Whenever one of us want to let go the other of us will pull...

If both of us want to let go then fate/destiny will come...

Yesterday..... I do not want to call dear or text him... I thought we needed some space...

I thoughtmaybe like what he said... is time to let go....... to end everything.......

No point holding on...

So... I decided.... to set alarm clock and went to bed after my tution..

I was damm shag......... Dam tired....

Dear on 07/08/09 12am sharp give me a surprise by recording a meassage and set it as my alarm.... without me knowing at all....... So even after quarrel and etc... I never touch that alarm section that he set.. as is a memories... that is very sweet... So i never touch... but dunno why.. the 4th alarm clock went there.... and it never appear at all... I was panic... sad.. despair... totally lost and broke down...

I try to reset it back to the same but can't I wonder how he did it.. As recording cannot be use for alarm tone... I have really no idea....

So... I thought to myself... should I msg him and tell him? Should I? Or is it God who is telling me... Girl is time to forget and let go...

So i decided to let go.. just call the usuall number of his... listen to the off phone tone and say bye in my heart..... As I know his hp could never be on.......

and you know what? HIS HP IS ON!!! 1 try ok... only 1 try and dear hp is on... I totally break down... I told myself since this is the case... Then I have to tell him irregardless... So I send him a message and went to sleep...

I always say he is not there for me when I need him most... We always thought we should let go... But now.. No... I can't because... fate don't let me to...

I thought before I went to bed... maybe the on phone is just a conincidence... doesn't mean he on for me...... though he did say before.... He always on phone to check how I am... Anything happen or not..

So I sleep....... AND HE COME AGAIN =.= ....... he come into my dream again... I never think of him when sleep ok.. cause I too tired... I only hug his blanket to sleep.. That all... my usual routine... and He came....... But I told him.... is ok...... I let go.....
But then he don't let... He explain to me and etc... and I felt him...... you know? Everything was so real...

You know... 2 years of steading.. I can dream of anybody but v.v.v.v. seldom... he will appear...... v.v.v.v. seldom.... the previous time when I ask him... he say ya.. he did dream of me too... another miracle? I don't know you guyz believe in meeting dream? But I believe if it is too real.... My boi.. is someone who don't dream at all... he always have a deep nice sleep....... But that day... he did.......

So ok.. I don't wanna care all these... as I have not met dear in person yet.... meet him then ask him did he come again or just my imagination?

TOday on my way to see doctor.. I text him... in the midnight time. I try to call once when I woke up for toilet... His hp was off... So I thought it can never be on.. since in the morning he must be busy or rather he know there is a high chance of me texting him... So he will not on the phone... so after texting him... I try to call once... And guess what? Yes he hp is on again....................

I really going cannot take it le lo.. keep like that... To him he say good arh... (whenever I tell him all these) but to me not very good ok.. when everyone tell me to give up.. even HIMSELF tell me to let go... and when I listen and wanted to... either he pull me back or up there... will show me something that girl.. you still have to hang on....

I don't know... I really don't know... my boi...

our couple jacket... I give boiboi 1... but dunno why... I give him... I remember damm clearly I put the XL into his bag.. give him his.... Den I am using my own 1.. which is L.... but don't know... fate hinting us again? I am using it for days. bUT i DON'T KNOW.... no wonder.. the smell so familiar.. I thought I miss him too much... then in the end.. is XL =.=... haix..... why all these thing keep happening?

I miss you boi...

I know what happen to me le..... but boi... it isn't a good news.....
What should I do? I am not strong enough.. I can't face any of this.. without you... I can't.... I really can't boi....

If one day I were to leave this world........ sooner than you and I have expected... What should I do? What will you do....

Boi.. will you leave or stay this time?

I really don't know... I can't hold it any longer.........

I need you boi.......

But am I selfish to keep you by my side?

Can I be selfish like you?

I want to......

I am despair... Couldn't concentrate at all... I don't know what to do...

Messages of I don't love you keep flashing my mind...

What about the I love you then?

Are they real? OR just joke?

I don't know...

I am hit with a disastrous fact.... I can't take it anymore...

Hoping for saturday or weekend to come by...

I need to settle all this...

See him with my own eyes...

Feel it with my own heart.......

2years ago is it a mistake for us to meet?

It is still yet to be confirm....

This is a new phase.........

Our relationship is riding our roller coaster... down all the way to the bottom...

what done can never be undone.......

I really don't know... really......

Trying to get it over... and have a new start...

But I seriously...

Really...

Don't know why....

Why suddenly all thess things happened?

Our relationgship is getting harder...

Every step we took... Is under so much so much stress... you know?

We both tried to give up halfway....

But whenever this happen... One of us will pull and hold it tight...

Because we know....

Deep in our heart..

How much we matter to each other...

It is irreplaceble....

But now nothing went wrong....

suddenly... this happen........

I have not gotten a reply since yesterday...

I am so lost...

I didn't know..........

Didn;t know what to do...

There so many times....

That I told myself...

Gal...

Is time for you ....

To let it go....

Gal...

Why are you still holding on?

I don't know...

Yes....

I admit...

I could't bear to let this end...

Deep down in my heart........

He still matters most...

But NO...

Thats not the reson why I still holding on...

I hold on because........

He love me..........

No matter what happen....

He love me........

And that for me is enough.......

There are times...

I question myself...

Does he really love me?

But subsquently.. thinking back........

Evidence...

Proof to me that yes he do....

No matter he is angry, sad or disappointed...

I am the one who matter to him most.........

At least...

This I am confidence of...............

Haix... i am so scare now... alone at lan shop.. waiting for deardear.... everything went smooth and fine.. nothing happen .. no quarrel but lovely....

but suddenly.. my deardear nv reply me msg at all.... not at all.... which is very weird..... my dear will never lyk tt de.... den suddenyl... about 1hr + he text me say breakup.. say we not suitable.. then went MIA...

I am soooo scared.. feel like crying now.. no matter how many msg i text him... how many call i give he never reply me at all.... I really don't know why...

If we quarrel.. then maybe I understand... But no.. den suddenly like that....

I suppose because he is damm stress bahx.. cox deardear alone with his parents now....
den today his dad saw me... and should be very unhappy and nag him and etc bahx?

if not deardear won't like that de.... cox I suppose now he is dammm stress... going breakdown soon.. I don't know what I can do as a girlfriend... 1st time.. I felt so helpless.... felt so useless that my dear is facing so much stress.... and as his girlfriend there is nothing I can do....

He must have gotten all nasty conversation and stress... and kena force.... but me.. only know how to spam him.. and forget the situation that he is in now...

I am sorry my dear... I promise later we meet I will sayang and everything... won't throw temper or what... Haiz...

why is our r/s full of ups and down?

He is in such a state now.. going break down le.. yet they still wanna add on his stress... can't they be more understanding? Haiz....

But there are things that I am at fault too... though I am trying my best to change... But I am still not an understanding gf.... have to try harder...

sorry my dear.. I love you... :-*

I am going find him now... guess he should be at home bahx.. maybe too tired.. cox he never get enough sleep....

god.. Please bless me.. Thanks.. I need it..... Bless me that my trip won't be wasted.. bless me taht I can find him / get him.. thanks...

Honestly I don't know worx... tmr last paper le.. :)

haix.......

Mummy very stubborn worx...

towards me and his relationship...

I know is for my own good...

but i feel stress when she don't understand me...

feeling can't be control...

haix...

that day told her le..

but don't think she get it bahx?

We are like going to restart...

But she don't understand... don't like and don't want....

How to tell her sia?

We are still together...

told her that day le... she say orh...

Now like that...

Hiaz..

I feel so stress

Lolx...

sian sia... I still got so much weight to loss sia.. :(

from 66kg...

I now drop to 61kg... well a good sign...

but still got 10 more kg to go!!!!

can you imagine?

k. i took 3 weeks to lose 5kg...

so estimate I need about 1 and a half month to return back to my last time weight.....

omg.... it seems to be lyk sooOOOO long la.... hope it can be faster lo....... I wanna slim down...

wear nice nice clothes........

I hate to be fat!!!!

Well....

now everything seems so different...

Start a new?

I wonder if I could...

Is no longer the same...

and can never be the same...

yes...

I admit i am possesive...

yes...

I admit I can't let go...

but I can't and never will forget the incident that had happen..

its totally different..

no matter how much I love you...

How much you love me...

It can never change the fact that it happen...

I will and can never forget it.......

now what left is only you to prove...

prove to me...

you are sorry...

you will change......

i dunoo... dun ask me anything please.....

I dunno....

at least I feel better now...

i understand that no one will die because someone is leaving or had left...

but from my understanding point...

something that will die..

and never revive...

will be my heart....

its already dead..

and will never revive...

never ever......

I had enough......

what has been done.....

won't change......

I am nothing..... at least I believe when the moment you did all those... I am.....

is always cruel to face the reality..

but i have no choice but to face it alone...

no one will ever ever understand my feeling.....

How I am feeling all these while...

I am like a nutshell...

I never step out....

I have never ever...............

step out from 07/07/07............

you know? how sad I am?

living is like a torture to me...

I rather GOD...

take pity of me...

take away my memories that I had with him...

every single one....

I don't want to remember a relationship like this....

A love like this......

I really don't want......

I pray to GOD up there, out there........

Please give your kindness to this sinful girl.........

Look at her state right now...

She can't take it anymore............

She need to forget him.....

every single memory with him........

she don't want it anymore........

she is hurt.......

exhausted........

dead........

God.........

why?

What has she done to receive this?

What has she done?

Why did you let her meet him?

Why did you let her fall for him?

Why did you let her trust him?

Why did you let her get hurt?

She is just an innocent girl back then... looking for a love that is everlasting...... that is pure and innocent........ is that so difficult???

Yes..... she is always naive.... always thought that there is such thing as true love.......

But she is wrong.......

There is no such thing as everlasting love.....

There is no such thing as I can't live without you......

There is no such thing as one and only one......

every relationship is just like a passerby..

pass through your life and will be gone.......

the last that stay with you is a gift from GOD.

I learn that now..........

I blame myself for loving him.....

Blame myself to step into this relationship despite everyone warn me...

Blame myself for being so naive............

I can only blame myself........

shi ma?

qing ai de.

rang wo zui hou yi ci zhe yang jiao ni.

liang nian de ai zhi shi wo men de wu zhi.

zhi shi wo dui ai de dan chun.

dang yi qie dao le yi ge duan lou.

shen me dou mei you.

qi shi ai wo zhi shi ni kai de wan xiao.

wo men de ai.

qi shi mei you chun zai guo.

yi qie zhi shi wo liang de meng.

wo men yi wei ke yi.

pei zhe dui fang.

dao lao.

dao si.

dan qi shi shen me dou bu shi.

yin wei ni cong lai mei you ai guo wo.

wo gen ni zhi shi bu xiao xin cha jian er guo.

wo zhi dao.

ai wo zhi shi ni kai kou de wan xiao.

WHY????
WHY??
WHY???

Why you say I can't go to him when you said you don't want me?

When you said I am nothing...

When you said you have fallen for someone else...

I don't wanna share...

I don't wanna share my boyfriend HTB with anyone...

Even feeling also CANNOT!!!!!!!!!

I AM MORE POSSESIVE THAN WHAT YOU THINK OK!!!

YOU KNOW HOW I WANT MY LOVE TO BE LIKE!!!!!!

SO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok!!!! LIM MA DON!!!!!!!

but... but... but....

why??? I don;t understand... why you don't let me go when you want me to go?

they said is because you are selfish..

But deep in my heart...

I am asking....

Is it... because... you still love me and care for me...?

But you hide them up?

I know is silly to think this way.....

But at least... this is the only way.. that I know..

you still care...


I ask you whether have you dream of me......

you said yes....

that night.. the dream was so real...

I felt yor tears...

I heard all your sorrow...

you told me you didn't mean it...

I don't know... these 2 years... you know I don't really dream of you...

And you don't dream... But that night we meet...

and the dream was soo real......

I dunno...

I really dunno....

But deep inside my heart...

I trust...

the dream was true..

because you said you dream of me too......

I only wanna know.... Do you still love me???

If I go to him would you be happy?

If you would...

I don't mind...

I can do so...

For the sake of you..

well today i really know what the meaning of break..... heartless and etc... to him... i am nothing... no longer anymore........ its isn't like last time...

LIM MA DON DUNNID WINNIE TAN HWEE KHIM ANYMORE!!!!

to him... the 2 years might be nothing at all... he say today is his trueself... he say i force it...

i dunno... really dunno... i am not going to care anymore....... he dun wan me... he say he dun wan me... wad can i do?? Ha.. WADEVA LA.....

he wan love me jiu love... dun wan sua la............................................

machiam these 2 years those that I did is a laughing stock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wadeva k... LIM MA DON I KNOW YOU WILL BE READING THIS....

BUT I GOING TELL YOU I AM NOT GOING CARE ANYMORE... U WANNA GAME... U WANNA FLIRT... U WANNA BU TING HUA AND DESTROY YOUR LIFE.... I CAN'T HELP U K!!!!!

I dunno you! really dunno you at all.... k? my deardear will never hit me... will never ever treat me like this... you are not my deardear! he is dead... my heart is dead too...

I say once and I mean it!

" LIM MA DON! YOU DON'T WANT CHANGE BACK NO ONE CAN HELP YOU LE!"

no one is going tolerate your temper like wad i did... no1 is going care for u lyk wad i did... no1 is going let u kick far far... still so stupid stand there say love u trust u...

at least NO ONE WILL ACCEPT YOU IF YOU BETRAY HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok? i dun care... i dunno k!!!!!!! i am going have back my life... I WON'T LET YOU DESTROY IT ANYMORE....

though to you i am nothing...... from 18/06/07, 02/07/07, 07/07/07,20/07/07.......

but I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY THIS EVEN IF YOU ARE LOOKING!!! I NEVER REGRET!!!!!!!!

never before.......... not last time not now.... the 2 years 1 months is wonderful to me... i put my love in... entirely! from 07/08/09 afternoon 3pm onwards, everything, every single thing is a lesson for me... to learn and grow...

go and think and do wadeva u wan bah... if tt make u happy... by all means!!!!

I AM GOING SHOUT ONE LAST TIME!!!!

" DEARDEAR WO AI NI!!!! BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!! TILL ETERNITY!!! BYEBYE!!!!!!"

Turn back and be yourself!!! dun wan u regret again... wake up bah... last time gaming also make u lyk tt.. now u still going back? U SAY NO1 LOVE YOU... DEN U ASK URSELF AGAIN.... ARE YOU SURE... OR ARE AVOIDING AND HIDE URSELF UP AGAIN? DUN GIVE ME BULLSHIT THAT U R LYK TT... U BLOODY LANJIAO.... U R NOT!!! AND I DUN BELIEVE I COX U TO CHANGE TO LYK TT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW U CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE........ BUT PLEASE STOP THAT!!!! STOP EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP TORTURING URSLEF!!!!!!!!!!!! U R ALWAYS KIND HEARTED I BELIEVE.... ALL ALONG UR FEELING WAS TRUE I CAN FEEL IT!!! EVEN SATURDAY!!!!!!!!! K!

u go think bahx... till then.... i am not going to care anymore...

i only love my deardear.... the one who love me, treat me nice nice, the wan who keep try all soughts of method to let me ROM with him and etc... not the u now... is last time.......

SO BYE K!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE CARE!!!!!!!

i am NOT going to say i love you anymore... becox................................ same as you... i dunno now k...................................

my dear? i am lost.. i dunno wad i am to u anymore? within less that a night i became nothing.. and u went to give the love to someone else... i didnt blame u... but u assure... and reassure me that.. u will never ever fall for anyone else... you will never ever love anyone else... i don't know how to tell you the sadness and disappointment i had... as I had no words to describe.. but I hope... you will come back to me.. tmr is my last chance...

I have never went to think... how serious the problem of our relationship has become... i am sorry... AS UR LAOPO I FAILED TO NOTICE... i am sorry to have neglect your feelings all these... as I always thought... dear say ok means ok... i should'nt have.. I have sorry that I am always not satisfy or never feel enough for whatyou had done and plan for me.. I never learn to appreciate that.. It must have hurt you most... I am sorry... for being so useless... but I SWEAR... I will never do that again... I will learn and care for you... in your way.. not mine... i will not let you suffer anymore... I am sorry... i know fri to you... was really a huge set back... if not you won't like that... I am sorry... but I will change.. I know somehow maybe not much I still matter in your heart... your action and everything shows me that... I know... and I am not lying to myself...

I just want you to know... I am always here for you.. no matter who leave you... I will still and always be there... ok? and care for you.. love you... i swear and promise that before.. and going to keep that till the day I die... as I swear it with my life... no matter how far you gonna kick me away... how dead you are for me.. I am going to stay put... and won't leave despite bleeding and hurting... no matter how pain or difficult it is I will still love you... if your heart is dead for me... I will revive it... if I had disappointed and hurt you badly... I promise not to do that again.. and will make up for it...

however.. if really one day... no matter what I do... is not going to work anymore.. I became a hinder to your life... someone whom you don't love and detest... and someone whom is nothing....
and being hated...

I will leave... your heart... and your sight.... from your world... and this world... never appear again.. i will not disappear but vanish.... no why.. not because i don't treasure my life or I don't listen to you... is because... what you always have said...

:" I can't live without you."

PS: I love you

123456789

i dunno... i really dunno... what to say or do right now.. maybe you are readig now... maybe you are not.... what i want and only can say is that i care for u... and when i say that i mean that...

i dunno what happen again...

maybe its because of me........ but i don't know... i really don't....

now you are not around... at least i hope...... you can cool yourself and think about it....
about us.....

do you think what you do is right? do you love me? do you want to continue?

if you ever think that you are wrong... u can call me up... my hp didnt spoil........ and i on it...

well i know is disastrous now....... bt i am here......... as long as i love u... everything is ok...... but if u leave me... i really dunno................. i only know 1 thing now is that 123456789 i love you