Star World

疼

2012-02-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

我对你真的彻彻底底的死心了。我等你回来跟我道歉。但你却没提。
可能已到尽头了。
这两个月我都以泪洗脸。
真的够了。
我已不是我。

Same

2012-01-15T08:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I am happy. I don't feel the difference even though I am married. I am tired of waiting and thinking. I am tired of guessing. I can't fully express myself let him know how I feel as it always only will lead to quarrel. I know he is busy these two weeks. However, the loneliness is unbearable. He should at least do something about it. He should at least try to text me or call me. But he didn't. My call to him seems like a bother. Often using irritated tone to answer my call and hoping to end it quickly. I am so tired and exhausted by this marriage but nothing I can do. I regretted by not stopping it. By being so fragile every single time. I know the ending from the start but being stubborn and naive thought there would be a fairy tale. The ending will just be like any other.

1 week to my birthday exact. 22 this year. I bet he had prepare nothing for me. Using no budget as an excuse. Using busy as an excuse. I feel so weak and tired.
Heart feel like stopping.
One day maybe, my heart will stop beating for you...

xmas eve 2011

2011-12-24T06:50:00.000-08:00

2011年圣诞夜前夕。

我发觉就算做了夫妻，还是跟以前一样；无法沟通。

但现在不一样。不是说想放就能放。
一段明知不会有将来的婚姻。我还是走进去了。

我不知道是否会幸福。但此时此刻的我只感觉痛苦。

有苦说不出。不能吵架。不能说。这就是我将来的人生。

但却不是我想要的。
我不在意吵架。只希望能把心生说出来。。。

我结婚咯！！！

2011-12-21T23:26:00.000-08:00

2011 年 12月 3日。。。

我结婚了。在接近年尾的时候，我和他终于步入了红地毯。
婚礼不是很华丽。简简单单。但是那天，我感到很幸福。
我所有的好朋友都抽空到来为我们祝福。
虽然还是有点不敢相信我已经是林太太。
但是有着幸福的感觉。

我心已冷。。。

2011-08-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

今天的你已今非昔比。。。不在是哪温柔多情的你。。。不再是含情绵绵的你。。。已不再是哪当初追我的那个你。。。人生短短几十年。。。能从相识到相知已是天定的缘分。。。但人往往有缘无分。。。我你两人从相识到相知的种种过程中经历了多番波折。。。坚持是因固执还是为了情。。。情根不断理还乱。。。我俩从未试过分道扬镳，走阳关道以过独木桥。。。盼长相厮守。。。

我把隔着心的地方建了一道墙，防止我受伤。。。但你顽固的把墙上一块一块的砖給裁了下来。。。

要我把心掏出来給你保管。。。要我相信我也能好好的被人爱。。。被人呵护。。。如今我心已属你。。。但换回来的不是爱情而是伤心。。。我想放开这段感情但是我不能。。。笑我痴笑我傻。。。事到如今，我已分不出情或伤了。。。只知心已伤痕累累，无法回到从前。。。

一生至少该有一次，为了某个人而忘了自己，

　　不求有结果，不求同行，不求曾经拥有，

　　甚至不求你爱我，只求在我最美的年华里，遇到你。

　　ps：···一生再也不敢那么勇敢，为你·

.我真的爱你，闭上眼，以为我能忘记，但流下的眼泪，却没有骗到自己。

分手后不可以做朋友,因为彼此伤害过.不可以做敌人.因为彼此深爱过,所以我们变成了最熟悉的陌生人。

有的人与人之间的相遇就像是流星,瞬间迸发出令人羡慕的火花,却注定只是匆匆而过。

有些的时候，正是为了爱才悄悄躲开.躲开的是身影，躲不开的却是那份默默的情怀。

有时，爱也是种伤害。残忍的人，选择伤害别人;善良的人，选择伤害自己。.

爱到分才显珍贵，很多人都不懂珍惜拥有.只到失去才看到，其实那最熟悉的才是最珍贵的。

.淋过雨的空气，疲倦了的伤心，我记忆里的童话已经慢慢的融化。

所谓最难忘的，就是从来不曾想起，却永远也不会忘记。

我放下了尊严，放下了个性，放下了固执，都只是因为放不下你

Suddenly, I don't know where or who I belong to. Things changed, feeling fade. Struggling to pull us together. I no longer able to convince myself that you still love me as before. Neither am I able to convince myself I can still continue my love as before... Till death do us apart.... After knowing you I feel that we are born to be together I am born to be destined as your wife. But now I can no longer uphold the trust and confident I used to had.....

3 guys that played the most important part in my life :)

2011-07-31T01:38:00.000-07:00

Only in my blog I dare to say because they won't read it for sure.. except my hubby :)

1) Ng Wee Chun - 1998 - 2007

he was a very quiet and stubborn guy. Gentle and have his own way of thinking. Good in almost everything. Use to know me well in the past. Without me utter a word he will not that I am sad eventhough I am trying my best to act as if nothing has happen to deceive everyone else I guess this is the reason why I fall for him. Everything has change since secondary school our bestie relationship become nothing guess what? somehow like stranger. I couldn't let it go not because I love him is because the friendship that I once treasure it with my wholelife as I have not much friends in the past. Maybe one fine day I would like to confront him the reason for detesting me or avoiding me. Not as if I am asking him to like me loh =.=

2) Gilbert Khaw Ting Pin - 2003 onwards

Almost exactly like WC. But rather different he is very flirty (dao chu liu qing) but he was very gentle. Whenever I need help he will definitely be there and assure me. He maybe didn't know but during secondary schools or rather up till upper sec without him I really wouldn't survive :)

Confess to him during 2006 nov/dec? hahaha... well the fact that i like about him after confession we are still friends!!!

Till now he is still though we no longer keep in touch as often.. less than 5times a year... But he is the best friend of mine form 2003 till now. Remember the first time I notice him was at basketball court. We are supposingly to let each other past. end up we are blocking each other way for like 5times :)

3) Lim Ma Don 2007 onwards

Stubborn, Wu Lai, Gentle and Caring. He use all his might to touch my heart despite knowing that time I still like gilbert. He never ask for much except to melt my heart and the wall that I built to protect myself. He might not be well-educated but definitely he means the most to me. I am glad that I met him and able to settle him with hopefully with the rest of my life :)

I see 2 common points in them. Basketball lovers and DAMM stubborn :)

4th year together been so far...

2011-07-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Well we went Yangtze cinema today...

Amazingly the ticket only cost $7/pax... soo cheap... expected like $18/pax?

After renovation the cinema we went wasn't so horrible as forum or other tend to say. The cinema is new quite comfortable alot of ah peh also... Screen new.. aircon good.. smell normal :)

we watch a french show... La Coupure.... Talking about affair between brother and sister...

Kinda boring... We left during half the show.. Not much of sexual scene I will say is more like movie than Porn...

Then we went to quarrel for 1hr plus? As usual =.=

After that head to look out for my cosmetics and Dar dar perfume.. well will change my perfume also BEBE Sheer... seems nice... smell nice also :)

piggie & my 4th year anniversary part I

2011-07-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

It is quite an achievement for us to come so far. Unknowingly, and we didn't notice we have been through thick and thin for 4years together. From time to time we quarrel almost anything under the sun. From time to time we hurt each other so much that we thought of giving up. Never once we did as either one of us will hold the other tight enough and not to let go. I love you my dear <3

Well hmm deardear got me a Polaroid camera. remember my previous post I was thinking to get which instax 210 or mini 7s.. as picture over. though not taken very nicely... hehehe he got me a mini 7s with hello kitty flim!!! hehehe and a winnie the pooh album to put... love him soo much heheh MUACKIES!!!

OH YA.. Went to meet piglet for her bday den GS suddenly pop out.. LOL... she was like sssssssssssooooooooooooooo happy...... the word happiness written all over her face... haha...

den we went pool after dardar came and took neoprints with her.. our skills DROPPPP.... hahah we took a long time to decorate the pictures and the auntie was like chasing us to close the shop? lolx.... hahah and then pool I tio thrash... :(( SAD la... 10+ game never even won once.. they bully me lo...

I give my first love to you

2011-07-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Went to rent the movie disc once I found out that the manga had actually been film. However, movie ends with a sad ending different from the manga. I cry since the start of the movie till the end.

Manga Completed:

Secret Unrequited Love/ Boku no hatsukoi wo kimi ni sasagu/ 最美我的初恋/我的初恋情人

Summary:

Both children meet in a hospital and takuma found out that he will not be able to live over 20. A secret unrequited love begin with takuma and mayu.

Camera :)

2011-07-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

Well... I am pretty self love... always like to take self pic so I bought a CANON EOS60D... Thinking it maybe better to take high quality pictures. Yet I am not contented. As I want to buy a polariod camera. So i guess I will be buying instax 210 wide. as the picture is wider.. though casing not nice... but hehe nvm...

At fuji flim itself selling $189???

If you browse through online about $139 u can get... hehe

anyway will only be buying it after my HKG trip as I scare will over spent :(((

maybe if HKG cheap I will buy from there? LOL

I lost a friend

2011-06-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

On 28 June 2011 just that I though it was a normal day or a good day rather where I get my pay where I can meet up a old friend. Till the call came and broke my dreams. The person whom I thought we can finally meet up after 4months commit suicide. She was an elder of mine. A cheerful and strong lady who never fail to give guidance and tolerance yet have her own stand. I was shock, devastate and angry. I couldn't bring myself to believe this news was true. I couldn't imagine that she had left before we met. Perhaps, the ending maybe different if I were to call her to confirm the appointment rather than wadsapp assume that she will be sleeping at 8am. There are too many perhaps in this world and once chance is slipped off it wouldn't come back. She is there when the working environment is fearful, she is there when I am in trouble and needed some help. She is there when I am bored and needed someone to talk to. However, now she is no longer there. Probably went to somewhere far that I will not be able to see.

We promise each other to go on cruise. To go KBOX and to go overseas when free. She left before we can complete our promise. Though I am sad. Though I am angry. However, you left and hopefully may all sins and worries be gone. May Buddha, Jesus or Allah or other god that I do not know pardon your sin and grant you freedom. May them bless you with comfort and peace.

Take care my dear take care. I can't say anything other than this. I will keep the photo tt u took and msg u wrote for me during my 21st birthday. I am glad that I have met you.

Thanks dear.

Sandy Kee Mui Hoong.

You shall be remembered forever in my heart.

Manga that I have read so far....

2011-06-25T07:15:00.001-07:00

Recently I am having heavy manga crave back again. Lol.. So I decide to recommend those that I have read to people who love manga. For me I am into those love manga.. So maybe not so suitbale for guys? Hahaha... K

I will start those that I posses first.

kiss·绝交·kiss by Yoshiko Fujiwara, 10 volume:
I think this is my first book If I remember correctly. Sweet love talking about a couple who fall for each other during primary school days. During primary 5 the guy initiate and kiss the gal and since then they had never speak to each other. Sweet story however only recommend for those who really into love stories. As at the back abit draggy.

太阳王子 2 volume：Basically a very rich girl went to a place for holiday and there she lost her way back. She met a guy who actually wanted to con her for donation, due certain reason they stay together for one night and the love spark off.
从小到大都收到保护的韆金大小姐裏子，在脩学旅行来到大阪，因迷路而与闪亮燿眼的街头小子太阳邂逅…在两人一起度过一天之后，裏子因父亲的命令而得先囬东京，此时裏子髮现暸自己对太阳竟有暸怦然心动的感觉…

第一恋人 / 初恋 First Love 10 volume:
男生是不勝其煩的選擇了女子高中，而女生卻為了女生的鎖事繁忙。花梨平平淡淡的過著她的高中生活。但在通學的巴士上，卻以最糟的形式邂逅了桐矢。她根本不想再見到桐矢，卻又成了集體約會的一員。激怒的花梨，一口氣喝下一杯酒後就倒地。等她醒來卻是在桐矢的房間裡！？

Kinda tired le.. so recommend a few first :) 1 month recommend 3 bah... Hehe

爱情

2011-04-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

爱情应该就是把祝福送上，然后独自的默默流泪，感受伤悲。

1st day

2011-03-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

today is the first day trying out as wedding planner assistant. Sooo tiring.. run around.. worst thing is you got to stand and cannot sit :( as you are infront of the guest even though you got nothing to do. But it was really! I learn how to tie chairs :P those ribbon. Some basic knowledge? I never felt it was so good about working even though you are tired. But this is my 1st job. Hopefully everything goes well. 1st time I am looking forward to work! To go to company and take call and inquiry. Supposedly interest and passion is very important. And sorry hor not v. high pay job ok... at not now.. 600 basic nia... and of cox gt bonus.. bt 1st time i am looking forward to work rather then my pay!!! ^^ heex..... of cox pay is very important... hopefully i work hard enough to earn enough :)

Heheheheheh

Should I take it up or not?

2011-03-10T05:35:00.001-08:00

Ehtono.. I just quit my job.. with quite a high pay.. :( heart pain... but no choice was force to leave... somehow by circumstances... was being offer a job with higher pay $2.5k but i turn it down... because is not something that I like.

Went through 2 interview that I really want to consider.

5footwayinn- new backpacker hostel coming up. Alot of involvement. But also way much more things needed to do... good part I can input all my ideas and discuss. Bad part not so flexible as compare to the latter. Only able to know if shortlisted in approx. 2 weeks time. pay reasonable and acceptable. good chance on leading something like managing own company. approx 1.6k

trulyharmony- true real wedding planner company. Really what I want flexible but you will not know where you can go. Not able to foresee the future as it affect my salary. Basic is damm pathetic $600 =.= but got bonus.. it depends on how the company is doing and how I can perform. but the main point is I like it... but towards pay wise very unpredictable which just afraid I may not have enough to survive and cox a burden to my boi...

wedding mansion- something similar but a bigger company.. only headache is yet to go for an interview. Waiting....

So haix.. really dunno which to chose... but at least all 3 is doing things that I like....

But either the inn or the wedding.. if I start on it.. I will make sure I put in effort and it grow big...

dunoo how long but again....

2011-02-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

ha..
hihi..
well i had a bad habit bahx... whenever i am sad i like to write diary/blog/somewhere.. so yuppp... u guess it correctly.. ta da.. i am sad again... why? same old reason.. love... and same old guy for the past 3yrs +... him...

this time round fifff.... i am not writing when he is not around... he is just sitting beside me... less than 30cm away... but i felt tt is more than 300000000miles away...

i have found out long ago... our world and thinking is so different.. our gap is getting wider and wider... recently... our love seems to be fading...
at least i feel so... my love for him wasn't as before... because of all his action and words... i begain to wonder holding this rs is both of us or just me?

words tt came out from his mouth is never about me except fault and mistakes...
i am tired.. so tired and heart break... tt very day i tried to hint him how i felt by saying everything when he is sleeping and i knew he was only pretending... but he did not reflect at all... is still all about my fault again...

today... by just not quarreling i ask him not to talk... and he give me hell lot of attitude... in the end only words tt hurt me deeply.. i hug him trying to speak normally and i did.. when actually every sentence i say...make my tears flow...

maybe its coming to an end... i always never listen.. to others to him or even my heart.... actually i know... is better to let go... one fine day.. if he still feel for me... he will look for me... but apparently i dunno if to do so .. we will feel better... or rather? shld i admit... i scare tt he will not feel tt i am impt anymore when he is alone.. doing everything he can...

i am not suitable for him or anyone else seriously...
i need to be alone... love seems to be so hurtful...
i have an invisible wall tt i build to protect myself since young... is you ask me to break the wall make an entrance for you to enter... you say you will become my wall... protect me from all hurt and injury... you entered... but never do wat u said and promised... u came in and messed up my world... making me hurt than b4...
u ask me to give a chance.. to know wad love is... to chose to be love than to love... bt in the end... the ending is the same......
being love... is only temporary... nv permanent... becox is something tt is not within ur own control.. to love... u can control... so the hurt is minimize....

4yrs.... if one day.... i were to write our story in a book... you will know... how much how much... u hav owe me... my feelings....

one little gal frm far far land.... she nv get to be love by anyone till this little boy from the fairyland told her tt she is the one he love... she believe and began her fairytale till the end it was not the same... there isnt happily ever after except tears tt never stop flowing

first post for 2011

2011-01-06T04:42:00.000-08:00

using iphone to blog yr 2011... my first post. thought that its a good start. however it doesn't. currently dinner time. usually its my sleeping time. but today nope. crying in my heart. some tears flow
out of my eyes. I'm puzzled. Unsure on what I should do. You know? The relationship peak or romantic or understanding period seems to have end. Many or myself think that this relationship was ruin by me in the first place and blah blah... but none know that or see
that. I have change. I am tired. extremely
tired. i learn not to speak when i am
angry. but i am wrong. its giving attitude. i learn to keep
quiet and cry inside. i am wrong. because i never share with him and not being myself. i try to
be myself. thrash out everything. i am wrong. i am trying to
pick a fight. i try to just say out and coax him after that. i am wrong if i want
to be myself i giving attitude. if i want to give attitude then i shouldn't talk to him and shall face the consequences. i don't want
to work together. i am wrong i didnt think sbout our relationship or him first. i want
to work together. i am wrong. see me equal stress when it was not
even my fault ir was about our relationship and not work. i am angry over things he done.
i shouldn't. i am wrong i cant be angry over him. i want to end
our relationship. i am wrong it prove that i dont want him or love him. i want
to go out. i am wrong i should have be contented and stay with him. i want
spend meaningful weekend together by dating rather than sleeping. i am wrong. o should
stay together with him at home so wont waste
money and still together with him. hundreds
of thousand more that i am wrong and even worst of i change. can anyone then tell me? what to do is correct? i feel like crying and dying.
dear don. do you know how miserable i felt? i try to be better and do as
you say. but i am always wrong. in all things you dont like i wont have any say. as it only lead
to me listening nasty words from you. i am tired. tired of u threatening of breakup. tired of u telling me u quit because i
stress u. or if i dont this dont that. u never
know how i actually felt. it only seems that i am always
wrong to u. u start only to think for urself. even when my tearsdrop because i am sad its a sin. act cute to get ur liking is disgusting... i cant be myself when i am with u now. thousand of times i have to bite my teeth to stop myself from crying and act that i am
not angry or sad to stop crying. when i am angry is my fault. what am i to you? i dont know what to do. i love you but i felt so miserable being treated in this way. how much do u understand me? or how much do u want from me?

my heart will be dead if this relationship end. it will bleed to death if this going to continue. both way is dead. i prefer the latter because i love you want to be with you. but you will never understand........ its totally numb now

Army days

2010-12-05T02:51:00.001-08:00

Well,
Almost all I guess? All the boys I know are currently already in NS.
I have finish my dear army days with him. Its tough lot of rules and regulation lots of physical work and mental stress given. Now so many went.
And I really feel that all of us have grown up.

Hitting my 21st symbolize that the rest will follow as an adult soon. No longer we can run around like monkey. Play catching. Pulling hair. and all sort of nonsense and childish things we can do.

Sincerely hope they will be able to struggle through at the same time maintain their persistence of not mixing with the bad company. :) Espexially those that are single. Army life is harder to go through without someone supporting beside you.

Gilbert, Wee Chun, Shawn, Guang Sheng, Weiliang and all others. Gambatte ne!!!

confuse

2010-08-12T01:48:00.000-07:00

well its really confuse for. ytd i saw the conversation between dar and her agian. really dnno why should him text him after so long? he say she is blah blah then wad for? trying to get something out from there again. It doesnt seems nice but he doesnt seems to understand. well at least he admit. and say he have noone to speak to so think of her then msg her. told him i dont like he say will stop doing it but how true? I don't know. somehow i feel like really travelling to overseas so I don't need to continue this rs anymore. because is really tiring guessing and worrying. what for? is that true love? Neh... and will never be... love is trust but somehow I can no longer do so. There are so many things out in this world I wanna do wanna try but because of family because of him I can't.

I begain to wonder. What do I live for? For others or for me? I really don't know. Can anyone tell me?

I felt miserable living. I cant seems to see my goal. my aim. my deam. I am one that have tons of dreams inside. Tons of things that from young I have told myself I will do. But I can't.

God or anyone can someone tell me. What the reason I am being born to this world? I am not stupid. I dare to say I am smart but lazy. But. with my smartness but restriction what can I do?

all along. since young. till now. I only want to live a simple carefree life. But it seems more and more difficult. things come and I can't avoid. No one can really know how I really felt all along. I laugh, I smile not because I am happy. But is because I don't want people around me to be unhappy thats all. but how many actually really sit down and care what I felt?

I felt tired. Really tired. Love. may I know what is it? When I thought I could trust again. TIMES AND TIMES AGAIN THINGS APPEAR AND MAKE ME CAN'T! I am very fragile you know????!!! I appear to be strong to be fierce to protect myself because I have no choice! I am born in a family that is very complicated. And times am always left alone. Because of my size. since young people always bully me. that why my wall was built up. You break it. ensure me that y ou will protect me from fear and tear. But you didn't. You just give me more than what I have.

You know I am so fucking stress???? Does anyone know?Fucking why why and why. why should i have all these crap? and I a very very bad girl in the past so this life I am born to suffer? If one day I really went insane. I am going to let go everything I have and be a volunteer go around the world to help people. Don't need care and listen nonsense ever again.

I am wrong

2010-08-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

I felt so miserable... So wrong... Once bitten twice shy... I didn't learn it... I am sorry... So sorry... Feeling damm sick... I wanna fly far far away... far far away and rest... I wanna fly far far far away dont want stay in this damm fucking place anymore... :(

Changes?

2010-07-27T06:48:00.001-07:00

People grow and change.

You can't expect someone to stick to something forever if change is for the sake of good. Dar told me today. I have been keep changing. The way I think has always been different. I felt guilty but I can't help it. I can no longer be naive. Because I no longer have the time to. Time is really precious to live in this life. Ambition is one thing a life is another thing. If ambitios is the road that I have chosen I would have took up designing after my O'lvl. Money is the thing that is important to me. I don't mind to work happily with something that I like and earn only 2k plus forever when outside can give me 5k plus. But I can't do something I like and earn only 1k plus when outside is 2k plus. My career determine how am I going to live. And I know how I want to. Bt it seems so difficult for me really to just follow you and give in for you anymore.

You only live once not twice. And I really don't want to regret. But I seriously don't how to tell you nicely what I want to do. And I want to do it in my own way. One have to striv eto success. In order to do that, alot alot of things needed to be taken into consideration not just money not just passion. Is about your life.

I am not asking for a luxury life. Even if I am I will be doing it myself. I am asking for a comfortable life. In my 20s and forever. Not when I am old. When I am old what can I do?
but I don't know how to tell you. You don't understand not at all.

Maybe its really true that we should split. Because our mindset is way too different. If I can be straight forward towards you and ignore your feeling. In terms of life you are a failure. You know what you want. But you don't know how can maximize it. You always prefer the easier way out but I don't. I am very realistic. Very straight forward. Money makes the world go round and thats the reason why I work for. I WORK FOR MONEY. Don't you? If not why shall we work? Can always stay at home shake leg, play, eat & sleep. Because this world you need money to survive. Relationship can don't talk about money. But career cannot.

I don't know how to make you understand.

I want to live a life from now onwards that I don't need to worry about bill. I want to live a life that I don't need to scrap and save. I want to live a life that I can go travel to different destination not when I win lotterry or Toto. I want to live a life where it is just enough for me to save, to eat, to play, to travel and to married. WITHOUT taking any RISK.

You know its been so hard for me? I don't study for nothing you know? I have my own aim. I am not stupid or dumb enough to make money for others but not for me you know? In future. In future. What matter most is NOW. The PRESENT. If you can't earn enough to survive now. In future when you earn is another matter when you don't you will regret. I REGRET ONCE IN MY LIFE. I don't want to make it a second time. I have never ever regret for job. I know whats the best for me. sinc eI am young I go part time. Because I know I understand I can earn and spent at the same time and earn exp. Poly time I teach tution. Because I know its the easiest way to earn alot of money at my age while studying without working for long hours or hard work.

I may seems dumb. But I know what I want to do in my life. My ideas maybe keep changing. But I change it to suit the life I want.

But I don't how to tell you without affecting our Relationship. It seems that what I said did not get into you. And you associate everything together with our relationship. Even work matters.

You know I felt Miserable? Do you actually know?

Fuck Off

2010-05-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

Fuck you... Fuck off!!! KNN who the fuck you think you are? malaysia visa.. 23buck... nia... ccb wad the fuck u wan? i go by procedure wad.... shout shout shout ... KNNB!!! so zai... dun come la... dun come singapore... pollute our air... KNNB!! u heng i working!!!!! if not i cfm shoot u gao gao...

pissed off.. haix sometimes just cant stand some customer... but tts not the case only... my bf... fuck off oso... he knw i dun lyk... he knw i really dun lyk but so? he nv side me.. nv help... den forget it la...

sometimes i am tired...
really tired...
but so?
any1 know?
any1 care?
I dun wan le... dun wan tgt....
i wan go tioman....
i wan go maldives...
i wan go taiwan...
i wan go hongkong....
I WAN GO ALONE!
i dun care if nobody allow...
i dun care anything...
I have my own right..
I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE FOR YOU GUYZ!!!
I WANNA LIVE FOR MYSELF AND YUP!
THATS ALL!!!!

2010-04-12T06:40:00.001-07:00

The new me..

I promise I will live better than before

Dunno

2010-03-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

Haix...

Really don't know, I dont seems to know what I want to do anymore.. Well probably will be switching job if my current company have no news for my future position in anytime soon. Well, Going to where leh? Travel consultant? :P haha if my teacher application fail lah... cox till now no news yet... Travel consultant have high basic pay wor... still got commission... so i supposed will be quite good bahx? :)))

hmm.. Gong Gong just passed away on thursday night... Actually already predicted... But well... was still sad... had a 5 days funeral... gong gong chose to be sea buried.... Everyone of us, all his children and grandchildren gather together to show our filial to him and accompany him for the past 5 days.... Was very very sad when we brought him back to his own house, to cremation and etc... all the while due to his illness he was suffering... In fact all of us hope that he can die faster then. Not that we are unfilial.. but we saw how he was suffering... so we know how he was feeling, could'nt eat and wounds all over his body... actually i am not close to gong gong at all... very bad impression of him cox he wasnt really kind to me.. always beat me up or give me attitude when i was young... however, what pass has pass.... those years being together with him... was a memory that i will never forget... His smile and the way he laugh.... When I get annoyed of him keep callign my names asking for "balek luma" going back to the room, or having drinks.. but well.... I still miss him.... Afterall he is my grandpa.... my dad side, my grandpa passed away when I was/ before i was born..... So he is the only one giving me the feeling of what a grandpa is really like..... he is fierce but yet caring.... he is a sincere followist towards buddha and will pray everyday... He is great in cooking infact he is a chef............ All these memories will always be kept in my heart... Gong gong bai jin was distributed equally to all his children and grandchildren.. this was my second uncle decision.... Well I actually admire my 2nd uncle alot... All the while he is the one supporting my grandpa medical and daily expenses... as other relative are unable to do so... 6 years he have been paying more then 2k just for my grandpa.. and when my family in needs, our electric bill when it hits too high he will always help us to pay, grandma medical expenses, our school expenses, funeral expenses.... actually by right all the bai jin should give to him.....

However, he chose to share with everyone of us.... He is never selfish and actually has always been taking care of our family very well.... So I look up to him alot... actually not only me... my whole family.... including the relative they saw that he did alot.... maybe if not for him.... my family will be in more debts, my grandpa will go earlier due to no money for medication bah?

anyway uncle want me to go for slimmign cox he say i tooooo fat liao... must look good eventhough i have boyfriend.. cox boyfriend doesnt mean will last long... I know he dote on me and my sister alot... so well he say he will helped me pay.. but i must promise him will not grow fat again.. so yap.. maybe trying out maria france :))) dunno yet :)))

today is dardar daddy bday... oso "her" bday... well went to read up her blog............ and feel that probably all the while she has been lying............ dunno i am sooooooooooooo confuse.............. i dunnp why is it so difficult for me to let those unhappy memories go... i dunno..... i really dunno.......... i dun wan a bad relationship end up like anyone........... i want a good one...........
one that will last.................... I am scared and unsecure......... i know he have been trying his best to let me feel assure but i don't know............ i really don't know what can I do......... i scared history will repeat.............. i feel so cold towards relationship......... not heart dead........ but there is no longer trust bahx???????????? though i might have change to be better.............. but my own thinking and belief towards relationship will never change..........

I dont know what i should do.......... if i still cannot get over after sometimes he say he let me go for phsycology session to forget those unhappy memories......... but i guess i will forget him bahx?
He say nvm......... cox he will court me all over again........ but i told him.. maybe the second time i wont chose him anymore.......... i will chose other pple how? he say nvm, cox he will use same technique and attack my weakness again.. =.= LOL.... but well he said he will court me all over again and will never hurt me anymore.......... if he do.......... he will go die........... cox second time still hurt me.. den really should go die le............

haix...........
I dunno.....................
I am soooo confused and upset :((((((((((((((((((((((((

Finally

2010-03-06T06:57:00.000-08:00

Finally Finally my exam studies and everything finish liao... but well not holidays for me.. neither am i resting... :((( keep working and working non-stop.. getting v.v.v.v little pay.... well or would i say part time pay..

someone ask me that day.. whats my highest education ? sec 4? I was like hell no.. I AM A DIP. GRAD OK =.= in BANKING AND FINANCIAL SERVICES SOMEMORE LEH=.= den he say.. work lanshop need qualification? i say well nope... this my temp job.. so why i am here? i believe that my boss say he will give me better prospect to manage and try out my capabilities.. now trying everything starting from scratch to know and to work....

so i think and i believe.. like what my boss promise... i will get what i should get in 1-2 months time.. or else.. as simple as always change another job and go be my teacher ^^

well.. now damm fucking tired... but at lanshop.. haix....... dunno wad to say no mood... i miss my bed.. well though i have a few days off due to fall sick.. but i still yet to rest... :((( keep doing work stuff.. haix........... can i lyk go for vacation? i hope so.. now i need $$$ and is alot of $$$ :(((((

:)

2010-02-08T00:14:00.001-08:00

i am a little too tired ..........

a little too exhuasted.......

a little too devasted........

growth

2010-02-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

I suppose everyone will grow old someday...

will be mature someday....

is just a matter of time...

when all these will happen.......

I suppose i had changed alot....

my own set of thinking ...

my own set of temper.........

somehow or rather...

i learn to pt myself in other people shoe.......

i learn how to tolerate........

i learn how to give and take.....

not to be stingy and calculative over small matter.......

off course... i am still aggressive, protective, and fierce...

yet... i am friendly, outgoing and approachable...

remember when i was young prefect...

during the secondary school times...

my students also told me that i am a chameleon or two faced.......

i can be very friendly.. joke and play with them.... even let them bully...

but when i start my duty..

put my tie...

i am totally a changed person.........

graduating in a month time...

however.....

i still don't really know what i want to do....

well... when i was young i told myself........

i must graduate in university so that i will not let my parents down.......

however, as i chose the path of polytechnic....

i have give up in going university.......

being a chinese teacher is a path that i think i am suitable for........

however, i am not aware whether am i able to succeed...

well.... now my path seems to be in the lanshop.......

being an assistant/manager of the shop.....

i wonder how is the pay like.. i wonder how would the prospect be........

probably.....

somehow or another......

i would..........

open my own empire?

if i work hard enough.............

i won't

2010-01-27T05:46:00.000-08:00

day by day
month by month
year by year

what has gone had gone....

never change...

never ever.....

always and forever....

disappoint is lyk a routine...

somehow or rather it will always be there.....

i am tired seriously...

myraid of times...

my heart is prompting me.....

shouldn't you end it girl?

what did you see?

greyish and blur i would answer........

recently i feel more lonely than i thought...

more sad than i thought...

i think of things more and more.......

i am tired really...

just don't know how to get myself out of it...

couldn't bear to...

at the same time we are not mean too...

sometimes things had come to an end......

why i am holding on?

when i am actually sad and insecure..............

have you ever thought of me?

maybe....

but you are always selfish...

as you always come first....

i juz wan some peace and time to prove to myself...

whether this RS is really what I want or what i can have?

juz feeling miserable...

and blur.......

2 & a half year

2010-01-07T00:09:00.000-08:00

it wasn't long.... neither was is short...... we have been together for 2& a half year le.........
its been kinda long route worx....... in the past...we been through so much so much......
bully each other everyday..
take each other forgranted...
hurting each other.......
whispering sweet nothing to each other......
cuddling each other......
kissing........

well we share both laughter and sorrow...

from a r/s that none think will last...
we prove that our love is strong enough to go through everything......

i lost myself in this r/s......
becox of u....
and u too....

myraid of times........
we thought that our r/s will come to an end...
but will no matter how worst the matter is...
one of us will never bear to let go.........

hitting my 20 this year...
I found that I grow old le...
no longer the kid I use to be.....
no longer the little girl.....
stepping into adulthood soon...
into the real society...
no weechun...
no gilbert...
no anyone that will be there to guide me in my life..
help me...
and say "don't think too much la"
But only you .... the only one that will always be there for me..
the rest of my life......
holding my hand and say " don't worry ok? you have me."

probably i would say i have the found the one to spent with the rest of my life bahx....
"chang xiang si shou"

love you baby :)

communication

2009-12-29T22:45:00.000-08:00

sometimes.. i really dunno how to communicate with u.......... I need ur coax and care more than u think.... thus whenever i am angry.. i snot easy to let me cool down.. but well :X at least easier than u... u are really stubborn... worst than a bull.. so when times i wanna be erm... nicer to u.... but u kp on stubborn den i will lose control........

how i hope.......... we are from the same planet........ bt it seems lyk 1 from venus ... 1 from mars :(

a happy day

2009-12-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

ytd we spend our whole day tgt with my 2nd uncle... well it was really an enjoying day.. so what we did? ^^

we went to ION canton-i again for our lunch + breakfast :X Well we have dim sum and some stir fry dishes.. my comment would be as good as previous ^^ the dim sum i give it 5/5... ^^ but the stir fry dishes... so so only... but well overall was very gd... DAMMMMMMMMM FULL:X

den i manage to pursuade my uncle to watch 2 movie... 1 is bodyguard and assasin.... followby AVATAR~~

bodyguard and assasin was all about fighting and revolution... how pple sacrifice.. is really sad... i hate war... if this world forever will be peaceful and without war how wonderful it will be wor...
war bring nothing but just the commoners suffer.. well the kungfu and all tt was nice.. bt fighting scene to me is scary...

well.. den we have an hr break... and we went for pool~~~ lalala hahaha.. tt time both of my uncle trash deardear.. this time rnd my this uncle still thrash him bt not so jialat... as for me.. i not bad wor.. haha skills got improve abit ^^ got win ok ^^

well after pool we went for movie: AVATAR!! wah... is lyk dammmm nice sia.... really lyk it.. the animation the story and everything i lyk the animation part... about the life of nature and everything really damm nice.. thumbs UP!!!! 10/10!!!! ^^

after tt head home and slp lo.. well is a really nice day ^^ i lyk my weekends at least this time rnd i spend them meaningfully...

a whole new experience...

2009-12-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

hmmm ytd went for my photoshoot le ^^.. tbh is really tiring but is damm fun..

well 1st set we have cooll dress we have cool vest went outside some building for shoot.. use my old hairstyle nv style it juz plain str8... den boi boi hairstyle is kinda erm half spike? cox nv stand all the way... cox well not bad but basically we are not allow to smile or laugh for that shot....

follow by a cute version smart vest... we wear our hats and the big big spec... well that was kinda erm... a big challenge for the photographer... as he use the spec to take different shots and etc...

and den we have pyjamas... this set of clothes bascially is to take how we meet each other online. but the photographer kinda added alot of fun, embarrassed and naughty shots/ideas... well i wore my winnie the pooh pyjamas with kumakuma bedroom slippers hugging a winnie the pooh tt deardear catch for me during this year valentine's.. tied two pony tails kinda act cute but well i find tt is really cute but lyk a kid :X boiboi wore blue bearbear pyjamas together with doreamon bedroom slippers. and well thats all ^^ we have our laptop taking some shots.. " how we meet online" then we have piggyback.. and ermm some dirty shots :x wanna know? wait for me choose pic and take liao den i upload....

hmm follow by white wedding gown.. but is kinda korea style and i am not taking wedding shots so we make it different.... well i am some how look like a little cute princess and deardear look lyk prince? tbh... well he look ravishing... didn't expect him to look so handsome though :X haha.. well feel that i was kinda fortunate... especially when he was taking his own shots... really look lyk a prince.. oh ya.. he was wearing white too ^^ den we have lyk erm princess and slave version.. followed by prince and maid version...

den last but not least... is our last part of the photoshoot... well wad we have? christmas tree :x and tts me.. haha.. no la.. well my gown was green with lots of layers.... kinda european style ^^ i have a mature look and all my hair being curled and pinned up...

well and deardear wore black suit... well to me i find tt he look better in this suit... though both give different feeling but this suit is more outstanding.. kinda 50% better than the previous 1.. well.. at first i nv mention to the photographer den we are lyk merely taking wedding shoot lyk tt.. not much theme.... so i mention tt i wan it to be kinda lyk a dance theme.. so we take a few shots on tt.. have him inviting me to the dance floor ( at tt moment kinda tio sotz by him sia.... cox erm realy too handsome le... to me la :X)

followed by waltz dance moves...TT WAS REALLY TIRING!!!! my back really gonna crack sia =.=

so we started everything at about 10am? ended about 8pm...

to me i somehow have a feel tt how tiring it will be if i really have my real wedding photoshoot...

but it will be damm fun... to me.. to those who are going to take photoshoot for wedding or couple or wadeva is best u have theme and wad kind of shots u wan in mind ^^

ehtono use my hp took some own shots.. so wel tts the white gown de... is a preview? but well i suppose the photographer skills shld be way better than mine ^^ will be uploading all of them once i get the pics ^^

muackx

2009-12-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

now siting at school library.. supposingly to find nail palace outlets for my project however i couldn't find... suddenly i heard my most familiar piano piece. Canon in D.
I think it has been kinda long since i last heard people playing just pure musical instruments. Kinda miss the feeling. oh ya haha is a guy that play the song ^^ :X bt never go and notice much cox i just wanna see who is it that playing....

just finish my test.. well cfm flung.. cant blame anyone but myself for not studying harder......

my 2yrs 5months anniversary had just pass :) not long ago about 1 day plus?? well we went to watch couple retreat and 2012.. both very nice movie :) learn alot from there too.. well i was kinda happy? hah.. received a stalk a pink rose and a small bouqet of fake redrose with a pink bear on top of it :) deardear give me alittle surprise when i was having lunch with him at TCC... when it comes to our desert, the waitress actually pass me the bouqet ^^ kinda nice of him thx boy :-* love you always

well i am also just back from my 5days 4night bangkok trip :) bought alot of things but mostly dear's.... cox buy alot of his CNY clothes ^^ well never get to buy enough cox not enough $$ :( but well spend alot =.= $700+? OMG.. my graduation trip to thailand or hongkong will be more jialat i guess? nevertheless i enjoy alot.. but HOR!!
my first night at the stupid hotel vaboir lodge =.= u all knw midnight 2am come keep knocking on my door... i tried to ignore cox i scared is ghost.. IN THE END IS STUPID HOTEL STAFF SELLING WINE=.= wth.. whr gt lyk tt de... ^&%&*%^ lucky stay there 1 night nia.. the next day we switch hotel to the ECOTEL.... which was much much better...

oh ya!! i manage to eat A&W during my last day in bangkok.. well all along from young wanted to eat A&W but never had a chance.. when i wanted to eat A&W foldup le... so well the food wasw kinda nice ^^ :)

1st day at thailand~

2009-12-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

LOL... HURRAY~~~ finally reach THAILAND~~
nearly cannot board lo =.= was damm late.. the flight rule is 40 mins before flight.. i check in 30 minutes before flight. The counter staff nearly dont let me in...
Heng sia~~~ if not the airfare JIALAT ARH~~
anyway juz reach my hotel... ^^
soo hungry.. damm eat something liao.. now watch some online drama den go to sleep~
tomorrow will be the start of my shopping journey~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ^^

3 more days

2009-11-25T04:01:00.000-08:00

roughly bout 3 more days then can see dear dear le... well seriously kind amiss him alot.. especially recently.. dunno y la... bt well just miss him...

always dunno why... we will always end up quarreling.. i know this is our fate... but i seriously dun lyk..... eventually when i wanna say something nice.. always cannot say out.. but keep saying things that are not nice..

i know he miss me alot... i know he care for me alot... i know he is always stubborn... i know he just need a little bit more love...

but well haix....... i dunno... but i guess i really need to see him bahx.. whenever he is not around i will feel insecure...

i hate tt feeling.. seriously....

true feelings reveal

2009-11-16T18:03:00.001-08:00

ytd... me and deardear had a heart to heart talk...
finally i knw all the while how he felt and etc...
i also thrash out how i felt...
those sorrow and unhappiness during these 2yrs plus....
i told him i feel that i am nothing and etc......
we both tears.....
he ask for my forgiveness once again to give this rs...
a fresh start....
i dunno if i can but i agree to give a try.....
to see if he change.....
before i decided to leave or stay....
i wouldn't know wad will happen in future.....
i wouldn't know how long would the change last...
but i don't mind give a last try before i totally let go of this rs..........

things done can never be undone...
but can it be amend?
I wonder.............

sweety pie :-*

2009-11-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

hmm...
Its been 9days sincen dear fly for rockhampton...
1st 5days no contact
following days we had been contacting each other almost every single day...
today he is going out to outfield for 5days...
(hmmm bill come = GG)
well ytd we had a small tiff over the phone.. i was so angry that i just bye and hang up the phone...
1 min later i call back to see if he off his phone..
well.. he did...
so i just went to bed and totally telling myself going to ignore him not calling him anymore even if he come back from outfield...
but surprisingly i heard my phone ring..
i was like WOW?
who call can it be him?
when i actually saw that my caller ID put his number i am like v. suprise...
I answer : "What?"
He called and said : " Good night, Ai Ni, Byebye"
I was really shock...
i thought he called to quarrel or say break...
But well he didn't and he say something sweet..
his voice seems sad..
my heart melted really..
this morning he called me again...
i was like hmm...
wow...
I was like why?
Then he say just to tell me he no set off for out field le ^^
I was like well finally he become my piggie jie jie le ^^

my sweety pie :-* Muacks

i miss him

2009-11-12T05:04:00.000-08:00

5days le.. counting down... 17 days to go... omg... i miss him.. his words.. his smile his presence.... was lying on his mattress juz now.. smeeling his smell... lolx.... :shy:

haix.. really miss him worx.. why is 3 weeks not 2 week.. if 2 weeks nxt week can see him le... i miss him :"(

motive hidden?

2009-11-10T22:59:00.000-08:00

dunno w2ad wrong... today suddenly receive a call from army and the person started to ask a few question and info about don... isnt the army suppose to know? after my questioning den i know actually his dad call the army again...

but for?

honestly i got fucking no idea... tot they severe ties and deardear did told him tt forever he wont meet him le... but now is lyk ? o.o

he could have txt or sms dear directly rather than going a big big round and thus might cause him trouble... he nv even txt him and expect to get 1st hand information... this is kinda ridiculous =.=

since he lyk to get him in trouble not going to bother him well lyk the same he wouldnt too this is ridiculous =.=

greyish

2009-11-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

its been 3days... since we last contact... till now receive no news.. but i wonder is it no reception or did he forgotten? I was worrying all the while so worry that he did not landed safely... Luckily his stuff told me that he had reach but couldn't be reach...

Lots told me australia they will be in desert... well kinda heartpain to heard this as he will be eating sands...

However, recently.... something weird happen... I no longer feel so uptight without him just as how i felt when he went india... I am ok without him around... life still goes on.. Only one thing that did not change is that I will keep calling him.. Hoping that he hp will on...

I think through alot of our rs... sometimes I thought we should actually breakup... why? I dunno...
Is lyk my rs is madeup of lies.. by you... yuen... candy... yr by yr different funny things appear...
when you are on your own.. i just wont be the only one bahx? have you ever thought why did i always feel insecure? have you ever go and reflect urself?

once after NS is history going to just repeat again and again?

you only left me in your world and yaq u said u already decide to marry me... Can I just ask... How long will your decision stay? How many lies do I have to live with? you know? sometimes I knew tt you lie.... only idiots will believe in ur words... but i just kp quiet and believe... u know i am no longer the 17 yrs old naive girl? who is so gullible who wont check and confirm whether is the news or etc reliable?

but can i ask? how long more must i be in this situation? i am tired but never once u notice... u know sometimes if u notice u are no longer the same le... u will no longer say sorry sorry wait a while i call u back u dun angry ok .. den will try ur best and call once every while.... however the other day to did tt to the gal... sometimes is not really wad happen that hurt me is how u treat the others....

i somehow lost the authority... and somehow u had forgotten tt why did i agree when u ask for my hand....... all promises had gone but i thought is ok... rs long le is lyk tt... i tot u wun be lyk the past bt hell no! u just nv treat me like the past... bt when another new gal come is just the same...

u didnt know those emails i saw then how hurting it was...

i am seriously tired and exhausted...

the past 2 months had trained me hard enough to withstand the world without u... some may find it a good news... well ya.. i dunnid to live only when there is LMD... but well did u know?
it mark the stage tt I had grown up... and my feeling for u is no longer tt strong... i always toguht i was just hurt and upset... but no... after we had been through so much the last incident still happen then may i know whr do i stand? content is no longer impt... wad happen is no longer impt... the only thng imptis whr exactly do i stand in ur heart?

same as then when u woo me? if so then shouldnt u change and treat me lyk how u had promise?
stress and life problem isnt the reason... they are just excuses.. there is nothing except u want or dun wan.. not u can or u cant...

sometimes i just wish to tell u my dear i am so tired... can we just end... bt i couldnt... as i do not want to hear u say yes... when this answer is out it just seems tt i am not impt... becox u nv hold me on... and i couldnt bear to do it or say it for real... becox u r no longer juz a bf to me... bt a part of my life... somehow seems lyk my entire life is only don don don.... bt well now longer juz u i will got to work study and play... bt it doesnt make me proud... becox it only tell me that girl u are really tired and exhuasted.. if things dont work out ur machine will just stop one day...

Being togther now am I just pushing myself into the grave yard? or happiness is waiting infront for me?

I dunno...

u know?

i love you

i miss you

but at the same time... i am hurt too

happiness

2009-10-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

Well.. about 1 week back... my boi and I went to register with cangai wedding shop for couple photoshoot....

Last time went to bridal fair.. went to see alot of bridal shop display and their photoshoot. But i personally like cangai the most. Follow by juliet. For juliet I like their service. The boss was very nice. Wanted me to be their sample/model. She personally invite me to sit.
Give me discount and etc. However, I am not attracted to their picture and do not have enough cash at that time. However, that time cangai price package was too expensive. $3688 for wedding ones. And no discount and etc so I do not like their service...

happen to passby illuma on sunday and they are having roadshow there. So wanted to take alook at their package and personal portfolio. Was being invited to sit down by a photographer and a lady name julia if i am not wrong forgot le.. anyway.. the photographer and the lady find that I am photogenic and etc... Wanted me to be their sample.... their personal portfolio was $1288... but I wanted to take it with dear... a couple 1.. they say they lack of tt... and i am very "shang jing" so request for my sample and they give me the best price... at first I tot 2 pple will be more expensive then $1288... in the end she give me $888.. $400 off.. i straight blink... and wanted liao.. then she give me 2 clothes from them and dear is 1 set... however their pics is only 20... i find it too little.. so request for more.... they she say 100 for extra 5 lo... which is $20 for 1.. their extra pic is 70 bucks 1.. so i find it very worth it... then the photographer give my dear 1 more set....

so my package:

$988

25pics
1 table top
1 soft copy
2sets shop gown and suit
2 sets of own
accessories/makeup and hairdo ^^

paid an upfront deposit of $500 le...

Paying the rest during dec and when we go select gown ^^

Well it is our couple portfolio.. den if good i wan to have my own personal portfolio...

after that will be our pre-wedding shoot liao ^^

Oh ya... another happy thing is me and dear is flying to bangkok again!!!
2dec-6dec ^^5days 4nights...
teelala ^^

the last but not the least...

I PASS MY MODULES!!! ALL OK!!! WAHAHAH....

I thought I may fail sia.. so scared... but all pass ^^

1 more semester to go!!! before I official graduate ^^

well... very happy...

but haix... also got not happy thing...

currently my debts damm jialat...

$2940+230+115 = $3285

I go where find so much money sia :(

LET ME TIO TOTO OR 4D PLEASE :(

爱你比不爱来得容易

2009-10-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

其实爱一个人很容易。
但要不爱你爱的人却很难。
生存在这世上的定义。
就是要爱与被爱。
要不然，
哪来的下一代?
这世上的男男女女都在寻找真爱。
但有几个又会去珍惜呢?
为何这世上爱与背叛可以同时生存?
很多时候我都在想。
如果你知道有那么一天你会背叛我。
你会离我而去。
为何一开始，
你要追求我，
偷走我的心?
你是否知道，
现在的我很痛苦?
失去的笑容在也照不回来。
天真的我。
以为找到了真爱。
但似乎。
我错了。
让自己陷得太深太深。
无法爬起来。
曾几何时，
我以为将来，
在不远的将来我一定会遇到我的白马王子。
永远的保护我。
像天使一样守护着我。
我以为你就是我的王子。
不会在让我过被人欺负的日子。
但其实伤我最深最深的人。
是你。
我的童话故事不在美好。
因为我生命出现了你。
但你没把它画上色彩，
却拼了命似的彩上黑与灰。
我以为会把我救出黑暗的人，
却把我推向了黑暗的世界。
我想逃。
但似乎我已经被爱你的心绑得紧紧的。
无发逃脱了。。。。。。。。。。

那天开始你已经不是完完全全属于我了。
以为你曾经属于别人。。。。。。。。。。。

我恨你。
但我更恨自己。。。。
以为我放不下你。。。。。。。。。。

2009-10-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

A touching story that makes me think. As long as there is love, everything doesn't matter.........

When you divorce me, carry me out in your arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms.
The bridal car stoppedinfront of our one-room flat.
My buddies insisted that I carry her out ofthecar in my arms.
So I carried her into our home.
She was then plump and shy.
I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water:
we had a kid,
Iwent into business and tried to make more money.
When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between usseemed to ebb.
She was a civil servant.
Every morning we left home together and
got home almost at the same time.
Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy.
But the calm life was more likely to be affected
by unpredictable changes.Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day.
I stood on a spacious balcony.
Dew hugged me from behind.
My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love.
This was the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs.
Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife.
When we just married, my wife said,
Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking ofthis, I became somewhat hesitant.
I knew I had betrayed my wife.
But Icouldn t help doing so.
I moved Dew s hands aside and said,
You go to select some furniture,O.K.?
I've got something to do in the company.
Obviously she was unhappy,
because I had promised her to go and see with her.
At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind
although it used to be something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it.
No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her,
she would be deeply hurt.
Honestly,she was a good wife.
Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.
I was sitting in front of the TV.
The dinner was ready soon.
Then we watched TV together.
Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew s body.
This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do?
She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her.
I couldnt imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out.
Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye
and tried to hide something while talking with her.
She seemed to have got some hint.
She gently smiled at my subordinates.
But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.?
Then we live together. I nodded.
I knew I could not hesitate anymore.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. Ive got something to tell you, I said.
She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didnt know how to open my mouth.
But I had to let her know whatI was thinking.
I want to divorce.
I raised a serious topic calmly.
She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words,
instead she asked mesoftly, why?
. I m serious.
I avoided her question.
This so-called answer turned her angry.
She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me,
youarenot a man! .
At that night, we didn t talk to each other.
She was weeping.
I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage.
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt,
I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, o
ur car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces.
I felt a pain in my heart.
The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day.
But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see.
To me her cry was actually a kind of release.
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks
seemed to be firmer and clearer.
A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table.
I fell asleep fast.
When I woke up, I found she was still there.
I turned over and was a sleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions:
she didn t want anything from me,but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce,
and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible.
Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later
and she didnt want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me,
He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?
This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.
I nodded and said, I remember .
You carried me in your arms, she continued, so,
I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce.
From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions.
She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd.
No matter what tricks she does,
she has to facetheresult of divorce, she said scornfully.
Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger.
So whenI carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy.
Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms.
His words brought me a sense of pain.
From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door,I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.
She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, dont tell our son.
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset.
I put her down outside the door.
She went to wait for bus,I drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.
She leaned on mychest.
We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.
Irealized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for alongtime.
I found she was not young any more.
There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me,
The outside garden is being demolished.
Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up,
I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and
I was holding my sweetheart in my arms.
The visualization of Dew became vaguer.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something,
such as,where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking,etc.
I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.
I didn t tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her.
Perhaps the everyday workout made mestronger.
I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.
She was picking her dresses.
I was waiting to carry her out.
She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one.
Then she sighed, All my dresses have grown fatter.
I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because
she was thinner that I could carry her more easily,
not because I was stronger.
I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again,I felt a sense of pain.
Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said.
Tohim, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life.
She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly.
I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute.
I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway.
Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally.
I held her body tightly,as if we came back to our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school.
She said, Actually I hope you will hold me inyourarms until we are old.
I held her tightly and said,
Both you and I didn t notice that our life was lack of such intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.
I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision.
I walked upstairs.
Dew opened the door.
I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce.
I m serious.
She looked at me, astonished.
The she touched my forehead.
You got no fever. She said.
I moved her hand off my head.
Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won t divorce.
My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn t value the details of life,
not because we didn t love each other any more.
Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to ourchild, I am supposed to hold her until I am old.
So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up.
She gave me a loud slap and then slammedthe door and burst into cry.
I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When I passed the floral shop on the way,
I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite.
The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card.
I smiled and wrote,
I ll carry you out every morning until we are old.

a dark end

2009-10-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

i can't see...
i don't know......
to let go or to hold on?
i am lost...
looking back......
ytd...
after the talk....
then i get to know the real side of my dear......
then i get to realise he had been lying to me from the start..........
then i realise actually from young till now...
i have never been happy before.......
if not for wee chun.....
if not for gilbert.......
i think my childhood life would have been worst....
suddenly i begain to question myself...
why i am in this world for?
my childhood wasn't good...
except those nice memories that i rem.......
i been searching for my true love all my life......
yet what i got in return wasnt what i have expected.......
suddenly i hate my life......
i hate you......
hate her......
hate those that brough pain , suffer and hurt to me.........

:(

finally

2009-10-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

well...

ytd we finally really celebrate our anniversary...

2yrs 3months...

lolx...

well... 2 months le... we never celebrate....

So much so much unhappy things happen....

ytd finally the curse was being outbreak...

well... nevertheless...

both of us still quarrel...

had a big fight and i cried... :'(

but still is fun and nice ^^

we go catch toy...

we catch one teddy bear... i forget wad the name of it... tear bear or smthng? v. ex 1... erm 1 small small bear sold at precious thots or more than words cost $30+++... greyish colour...

mine was a medium 1.. dear use about $5? to catch it..got 1 crystal at it nose.. so cute.. bt the top part of the nose abit spoil spoil le...

Then we also caught 2 pooh bear.... zodiac de...

obviously 1 dragon 1 horse ^^

Well erm...

we spent quite alot... about $200 :X

we went movie...

CLOUDY MEATBALL... hmmm not bad lo... kinda funny...

TIMES TRAVELLER'S WIFE!!!! Must watch!!!! dammm nice ok!!! i cried... so touching...

I hope got part 2 lo... because the man could be revive if his daughter could get there in time and stop them ^^

Den we go NEOPRINTS.. heex...

kinda long since we last go le... but heex... damm nice... i like^^

bought couple things... BIGBIGBIG GEEKS SPEC @ friday i luv u...

2 LED transformer tee.... ^^ heex... cute and nice lo...

but ex...

but ok la...

take it as... 3 anniversary spent tgt lo... so 200 divided by 3... about 60+++ lo.. :P

after is really great...

except the stupid lmd aka tmd :X

keep BULLY ME!!!

k na... thats about it...

hope every thng will be better ^^

hmm... nv use hp take pic cox take neo print...

bt dear took 2 pic of me.. so upload nor ^^

unknown

2009-10-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

another month is coming soon....
counting down 2days....
how would it be like?
2 months....
never celebrate any anniversary....
going 2years 3months.....
How would it be....
suddenly...
i am not looking forward to it anymore...
do not want to have high hope....
because whenever u aim high u fall high...

things changes....
and is very hard to make things back to the same old past...
i am tired while trying....
problems seems never ending....
it just like sooo hard and difficult.......
i have no idea...
seriously no.......
How to start nor end.......

suddenly... i feel that there isn't anything call compromise...
no such thing as 50-50.....
1 party have to give in more...

I have never want, never like, never think of giving in....
But this period of time...
I am either being force, willingly or unwillingly i have to give in and compromise....
well...
usually when you give in too much...
1 tend to take you forgranted...

Kinda...
I was being took forgranted...
I dun like the feeling...
don't like alot of things...
but i have no choice....

sometimes i am really hurt....
not knowing what to do....
seriously...
honestly...
i dunno what i can do...

only can cry and tear silently...

well recently...
someone ask for my hand again...
he say i deserve better treatment....
well yes of course I do...

He is nice, gentle, stable and stuff...
but...
well i don't know...

my htb also asked...
why don't you leave for someone who is better?

Nah...
well is like not so easy to fall for another person....
though the current one is a baddie...

but well can't blame I am the one who chose him...

Planning overseas trip....
trying to get over....
alot alot of things need time, courage and money...

hmmmm........ brain dead don't know what to type... tired...

hate myself

2009-09-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

fear and insecure keep surface my mind...
I don't know...
But...
I hate this...
I hate to fear and hate to feel insecure...
Like what dear say because of my insecure leads to many quarrels that could have be avoided...
But is like what he says also...
"Once bitten twice shy"
I am scare...
Not that I think history will repeat this very moment...
Is just that I am wondering...
In the near future...
When we have both grown up...
Would he? In any chance do what he do in the past?
No matter under what circumstances would he ever do it again?
Yes, no doubt I had ask this many times...
But it is also because I get different answer always...
Sometimes he will say of course no!
Sometimes he will say I don't know this type of thing hard to say because it happen before...
Actually there isn't I won't...
There is only I don't want...
E.g. I won't love anyone other than you...
Well the fact is that you will and you can...
Is just that you don't want...
That day he told me...
If I were him I might have done the same thing...
To be honest...
No...
I won't...
I may say it because I am angry or disappointed...
But I will never do it...
I know...
We will married...
I know...
We will be together till eternity...
To be honest...
Same as him...
I know regardless of what...
He still love me deeply...
I know his heart won't change...
Because these 2years, the days that we had been together...
Is never a joking thing...
We been through alot...
Its nothing different from husband and wife...
Except that...
We don't have our own house...
We don't have a certificate of marriage...
Looking back...
If back then I had never chose him...
How will my life from 07-09 be like?
Well probably I would have change a few bf...
Looking and searching for my true love...
Still the happy little naive girl...
I am confident enough to say...
If I never chose him but others...
I would not fall that deeply...
And would have what you guys call as puppy love...
But him...
Don't know why...
A guy who is totally not my type...
A guy who have everything I don't like...
I don't like guys who play game everyday...
I don't like guys who lied..
I don't like guys who always sleep...
I don't like guys who are always late...
I don't like guys who are unhygenic...
I don't like guys who brag...
I don't like guys who play around...
I don't like guys who don't care about their family...
I don't like guys who are lazy...
I don't like guys who don't study or work...
AMAZINGLY...
This boy that I am having right now...
That I own from 07/07/07 till now...
SCORE 100% FULL MARK for what I don't like...
Zzzz
But him...
Make me slowly fall in love with him...
Deeply...
Till the extent I can't climb up...
Do foolish things to find him...
Forgive everything that he had done...
Meeting him...
Change my life...
I seems not to be myself...
Not the one that everyone known...
My bestie said so...
My family said so...
And him?
If we have not met...
Well he would have been gaming all day long...
Leading the life aimlessly...
Working once awhile to survive...
Is fate...
Or should I say...
Is destiny to say when, who and where you will meet and know someone...
The thing is that what happen two months ago change our life...
Is very difficult to forgive and forget...
Even if I want to...
Is really that difficult...
But well...
He have to compromise me with regard to this...
Is not I want...
And if it doesn't happen...
I won't be like this and never will...
Well...
I just hate what I am now...
Easy nervous...
Insecure...
Fear...

Going bangkok...
Again and soon...
But well...
Kinda cock up...
Jiejie there delay...
Deardear there rush...
Haix...

destiny...

2009-09-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

conincidence? or fate?
today deardear...
dunno why suddenly..
just out of a sudden...
kena pissed by things happening...
den dun want meet...
and we couldn't contact because his HP no batt...
I was wondering... where do i go?
His house to wait for him?
Cck to try my luck?
Or just go home?
my train was moving and it reaches jurong east...
i was wondering will i be able to see him?
the chance was so glimpse..
i thought to myself...
there are so many gate... and how can he be at my gate?
there are so many train..
probably he had took the other one and had not reach yet..
but well...
I SAW HIM...
I AM DAMM FUCKING SHOCK!!!
i am very very very happy lo...
no words can describe my happiness and shock..
at first I thought it was my imagination...
how can it be?
I must have think too much...
but i look again...
IS HIM REALLY HIM LO!!!
I DUNNO HOW TO SAY!!!
BUT DAMMM HAPPY NOR...
though he give me that stupid face....
that idiot attitude...
but still very happy...
both of us are too close...
both of us are from different world...
so there is like.... 0.0001% of chance that we can meet.. coincidentally...
and we met...
I was like?
is it true?
i dunno...
but well..
together so long...
really so long...
it was really the first time...
we met..
unknowingly....

the 3rd thing...
I think we were really fated...
destinied to be....

i just want to be myself

2009-09-25T01:27:00.000-07:00

Dunno why...
i felt harder and harder...
very difficult...
feeling seems to have fade...
however it doesn't seems so because whenwe are together I can feel how strong it is...
or should i rather say...
our changes isn't suitable..
i know is just for a short period...
i know i have to compromise and endure...
however.......
i can't......
i mean... it begain more and more difficult...
I love him...
more than i thought i am...
there are things that i do not wish to give in at all...
i dislike or rather i hate it to core...
but i have no choice but to give in...
to prevent quarreling....
But that is not me...
i mean......
i can.....
let u face computer.....
but u ask me let u face people...
females + males....
i can't...
i mean ya...
not as if you go a outing you will like someone or what...
but the problem is...
I mean i love u...
and thats the problem.....
i dont want seriously and very dont want...
u to go...
moreover alone.....
is so weird..
i hate changes...
is like.......
i dont know...
i am suffering...
so do u.....
but my suffering is cause by u...
ur suffering is u create it for urself......
i dont know...
i just want u 24/7...
thats all...
i know u will say...
cannot...
but i dont care...
this is what i want....
u say selfish or what by all means......

because i just dun wanna to let go not even for a single second...
exam coming just on tues... if u really go out... i think i have no mood to study at all....

I dont want to quarrel...
but...
i dunno how to dont quarrel....
i seriously hope... u can give in...
i dont know...
i am ur gf...
ur wtb...
i dunno...
i want whole world to know that...
i nid ur presence........

is it that difficult?

ai ni zai xin kou nan kai.........

god... i dun understand why u let us meet....
are we fated to be?
i dunno why is there a need to meet and fall for each other....
i dun like the way it is now....
i wanna end all these crap.......
i just wanna be tgt 24/7...
live in africa i oso happy... :(

si lim ma don chou lim ma don...
i dun lyk changes la....
ur courting promise got 1 say wun change HOR!!!
NWC change i tell u i hate it and dun lyk...
i am someone live in the past...
not present...
i dun lyk changes...
i am stubborn......
i am contented...
cox changes doesnt make things better but worst....

can't u feel?
when we are together...
we both know..
we love each other deeply...
but... whenever we talk about changes...
both of us know that...
thigns will somehow end one day....

things get better but things can't be erase

2009-09-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

things get better...
we manage to talk and compromise... :)

however now...
this very moment...
I am not feeling very good...
Somehow or rather I thought of the past...
I hate it...
really do..
i could'nt let go.....
i want to forget that single incident.......
i mean why should this happen...?
I hate her...
now..
seriously....
don't know why but i hate her...
for being such a bitch..
for don't know what is zi ai.........
i hate him..
seriously...
for don't know what to push away...........
FOR DON'T KNOW WHAT IS FUCKING HURT AND FUCKING BETRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE BOTH OF YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!
YOU TWO HURT ME...
I DON'T CARE WHY, WHO HOW AND ETC!!!!
THE FACT IS THAT IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND CAN NEVER BE THE SAME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN / DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND MY FEELING?
WHY MUST ALL THESE SHIT OR CRAP HAPPEN TO ME?

thinking wondering pondering

2009-09-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

fate destiny?
ma long? (i horse he dragon)

few days ago then I found out both of us actually born on the same day...
23/01/1990 was a tuesday...
08/03/1988 was a tuesday...

i mean abit too conincidence le...........

fated before we are born.....

70% I believe that we are desitinied to be together....
another 30% is up till i found another thing we are fated or it is up to us to create.........

later meeting him...
heart thumping damm fast...
hope everything turn out well... :)
I have to learn to be more comprimising :)

love too much only lead to hurt

2009-09-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

Watching drama...
only make me think of him...
i miss him..
god...
why you are so cruel...
you make me love him...
you make me miss him...
you make me fall for him...
Then you wanna take him away from me.......
he wanna leave me.....
god i beg for your mercy....
if after this weekend he were to leave me...
please let me forget him..
erase all my memories with him...
yes indeed they are the most beautiful memories in my life...
but because of the beautiful memories...
i kill me when i am only left with memories..
if.....
my lmd......
the one and only is to leave my world....
then please......
let me forget him.....
forever and ever..........
i really love him.....

hiding....

2009-09-17T02:38:00.000-07:00

yes...
there is something that he have been hiding all along....
he just don't want to let me know.....

half half

2009-09-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

Well....
YTD watch ming zhong zhu ding wo ai ni....
I have think and review my own relationship...
I feel like unless is true love...
last till eternity....
if not so what if we are together?
Just wasting each other time...
if now what he / we want is not a long lasting RS...
this friday have to take about with him...

Ytd he say...
We do not have to break...
is just that my own selfishness does not allow his way...
But once again..
I am thinking...
I am the selfish one? Or him?
Well I don't know but somehow or rather I feel that he need some space for himself...
some personal space...
I guess me too...
But well there is a limit to that...
We still have to be like normal couple...
But maybe not that sticky.
So one week...
1day is mine...
the other is his...
once / twice in a month then I have the wholeweekend...
It would be best...
He can come my house and go his house stay at the same time...
We are together yet he have a day full to play his own game...
And I can have it to go out with my girlfriend and stuff...
It will never be good if meet on alternative week or so...
Because I suppose I will go and bother him and stuff...
Or miss him too much keep ask him to meet...
this will not just irritate him...
But me too...
So a relationship...
need comprimise...
I am willing to give in...
Now it lies on you baby...

Well today in the morning I found out that I LOST ANOTHER 2 KG!!!!!
So now I am 59kg!!!! all in all i DROP 7KG!!!
hahahah...
so happy...
lolx..
ok I know still fat...
but at least is 50+ loh!!! :)
by end of oct...
I think I will be 50kg le...^^ back to my figure last time...
heex...

necklace lost.....

2009-09-16T00:50:00.000-07:00

Necklace...
lost le....
deardear throw away his necklace le.......
heartbroken....
is his bday present loh...
I buy for him de...
but he throw away le........

haix...
is either we buy the ring?
or no le.......

to love is to forget. Not let go. Brother and sister forever.

2009-09-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

I have relax.
Cool down and thought over.

These weekend what am i going to do?

priority is of course to win him back. :)
start afresh and both try to comprimise. :)
this would be the best :)

another thing is hypnosis.
This have been in my mine for very very long.
Just done a few research and what i was thinking all along was right.
Some memories can be hidden or erase.
I can use this to forget him and let him go.
So at least the one I love most can be happy. :)
But well I need him to be by my side for now.
At least awhile before I had the money and go for the treatment :)
After that I want to sign treaty with him.

I remember don't like to have god brother or sister.
But that time he was courting me.
I proposed this idea.
But he rejected because he want to be only couple.
So now.
Since there is no turn back.
Ok fine. :)
He will be my God Brother.
Take care of me like what he promise but not as my lover.
Because I treasure this relationship alot.
I hope in end we still can keep in touch in some special status.
I don't want to be friends because I know i might have false hope if eventually I remember everything after I hypnotise.
And this brother-sister relationship will let us know that forever.
There is no turn back.
Being stranger I know one day if I were to miss him or remember him all those stupid things wil come out again.
So for the sake of me and him.
Or should I say him to be happy forever and ever.
I had decided.
I will take him to be my brother if we break up :)

Yes, no doubt I love him.
No doubt I don't want to let go.
No doubt I will agree to anything to save this relationship.
But if in the end he really don't want to continue this relationship.
He don't want to continue to love me.
I have to let him go.
He have to be happy.
I can be sad.
I can be miserable.
I can go die or whatever.
But the one I love most which is him.
Lim ma don.
He have to live happily ever after :)

if 070707 have to be a memory.
I hope it will be a good memory in his mind.
Whereas yes it is the best memories in my life.
But well.
I have to forget in order to let go.
I hope the 2years can also be the most wonderful days and meaningiest days in his life.

For that we will be friends till eternity if in the end we can't be husband and wife till eternity.

Because I had always long to have a older brother to protect me and love me as a sister.

Hope we can be together my deardear.
But if we can't like I promise I will let you go :) But I need some time and I am sorry to say you have to standby me for awhile before you are freed.

how much i worth in his heart?

2009-09-15T01:16:00.000-07:00

he told me everything...
suddenly i find that i am so cheap...
and things i do...
he dont appreciate...

i am soo tired...
everyone ask me to let go...
beg me to let go...
sorry for those i have hurt...
sorry for my stubborness but...
all in all is just because i love him too much...
but this coming weekend is my last chance...
if reall can't then i will forget... :)
because i can't let go...
i can only force myself to forget him totally..

i was once....
priceless in his heart....
but now...
i had become worthless.......

no one will understand how much it hurts....
no one ever will........

for this relationship...
for him...
i put in my heart and soul....
but in end...
this is what i get.......

......................
.............
............
am i really nothing?

what a laughing stock...
you foolish stupid girl.....
your stupidity....
no one can compare or out win you.................

sweety pie

2009-09-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

787 days..
since 070707
together v.v.v.v.long le.......
lolx.....
rem last time...
deardear count in minutes too.. ^^

well...
i know he care...
but he is way too stubborn le... no choice...
i love him...

hmm... let me think of what to type...

i saw nowell fortune cookie says..
to love is to fogive...
yup....
i always can't think of why and how people forgive those that betray them, their trust and love...
but now i been through i understand...
when you love someone deep enough...
no matter what he or she does...
you will forgive...
because that is called love....

love bear no grudges...

i said in my facebook...

Even he told me he has 1000girls or he love 1000girls...
i know in his heart...
there is only me...
:)
words can lie but feeling can't....
i see and feel it with my heart......

When I face a stubborn guy....
I have to have strong confidence of myself...
especially i pick a guy...
that is stubborn, hot temper, like to lie and tease me...

what i like about this guy?
I dislike everything about him...
yet at the sametime i love everything about him.... :)

trust is the word that a relationship needs other than love...

trust

2009-09-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

after reflecting on myself...
i learn what is trust...
if my little naughty boy were to really get a girl or flirt...
he wouldnt even bother me...
because i am no one to him....
but him bother to wake up in the midnight to text me...
to kiss me...
means that i am important...
very....
he is easily irritated...
but well no... he didnt :)
he text me and tell me he wasnt scolding me....

how sweet could that be...
i mean yes...
i can never deny that i am super duper sensitive over him...
no choice mah...
my boy leh...
now rs so rocky...
later pple snatch how?
he is mine leh....

lim ma don only belong to winnie tan hwee khim loh...
no one else...
selfish?
yes.. dont care...
unreasonable?
yes... dont care....

who ask him is my bf....
u all wan u all take other guy...
he is mine...
taken liao...
unavailable liao...
dun care...
die oso dun care..
humph

truth or lie?

2009-09-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

deardear say he got girl...
he say he got girl...
how?
haix...
cox i saw his fb...
den ask him he got girl issit?
he replied...
yaya got jiu got...
den i ask again he say got..
i say really?
he say yes i have. happy?

is lyk my whole heart sank....
i know he dont have...
i know he love me...
but him replying tell me got...
i everything lost le...
what should i do...
i am so scared...

what if really he have?
lunch now...
but not going eat...
no appetite at all....

can time rewind?

2009-09-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

Hiaz...
i dunno...
i really dunno...
heart dead and love...
which 1 to chose...
I love him...
yet things that he had done had hurt me too deep...
however,
i chose to forgive...
thats the only i could do..
things slightly getting better bah?
ytd midnight...
i text dear...
actually just normal texting him...
not thinking that he will reply...
cox he must be sleeping at that time...
1 plus 2 am...
but you know what?
deardear reply me worx...!!!!
never scold me nor nothing...
he reply muacks :-*
and ask if this would make me sleep better :)
heex....
dam happy...
den he say dont wake him up again...
he very tired...
but hor...
he added...
not scolding me ^^
heex...........
my deardear lo...
that is my deardear...
i damm happy nor...
although in the end i didnt get to sleep because of dumb and bu shu fu...
but well.... for that msg...
it is worth while lo........
today text deardear....
just lyk erm.... half an hour ago? but he never reply... :(
maybe he is having HLS now bahx?
heex...
for ytd nite that he will reply me...
i believe he will continue to do so de...
because he is my dear...
the one i love most...
wholeheartedly... ^^

i love you, my htb....
i really do...

ehtono!!! deardear reply le!!!!! ^^ heex

love?

2009-09-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

hmm...
i duno...
what is the meaning of love?
they say if i find dear first...
forever i will be under his control...
and will be taken forgranted...
but thats not love isnt it?

I mean ....
love doesnt matter who is under who...
or should i say both is equally important...
we have our own strength and weakness..
isnt it?

Why do we have to count and stuff?
I dunno...
I felt lost...
confused...
scare...

together 2years 2months...
I would say ....
married for 2years 2 months will be more appropriate...
because we have been staying together...

telling me to let go this r/s....
is totally impossible...
i wonder...
how he could?
or I guess he never too..
just stress...

we manage to sms...
as i send wrong msg to him...
and hell...
he know everything that I am thinking...

after that i ask him out to meet and etc..
though he reply is extremely attitude i would say...
but he is just vending his anger...
so i am ok...

at least he replied me... :)
he is not that heartles afterall...
i am sure...
i am still something inside his heart...

Many say i am being stupid...
Many say he is a jerk and etc...
ya maybe?
i agree too...

but nevertheless...
he is the one i chose to go down my life with...
blinded by love?
yes maybe?
because to me..
yes he is not worth it...
but my heart say he worth...
than anything else...
i can even use my life to exchange it with...

I feel fortunate...
or at least...
to myself...
at least in my heart I trust...
if not....
this r/s story might really end..
despite whatever he had done...
despite those hurtful words he had said...
i am hurt definitely...
heart shattered...
but well...
i believe that is not him...
not the one i known for years...
not the one i love....

he is just hiding...
making himself stronger...
pushing everyone away...
just like last time...

yes...
you guyz might think I am naive...
to believe what i am thinking...

but well...
that is what I call love...
I love him...
that why i sacrifice...
i love him...
that why i stay even when i am hurt...
i love him...
that why i never agree to others...
i love him...
that why i am holding on tight despite him asking me to let go...

my piggy jiejie....
do you know...
how much i actually love you?
do you know?
do you know the girl you had love for the past 2years is feeling miserable now...
because you are keep pushing her away...
your promise to change might have gone...
your feeling might have gone...
but she is still there...

is actually very simple to make her go away...
just kill her with a knife..
she will graduallly appreciate that...
to be honest....
i seriously rather you kill me or i die than going through what i am going through now....

for love i trust..
for love i forgive..
for love i stay...
for love i am holding on..

boy you know? how much i miss you now? how much i long to kiss and hug you?
i am not obessed about you or went crazy about you...
is just that i love you...
way too much...
till the extent...
i love you more than myself...............

sick

2009-09-11T00:24:00.000-07:00

damm sick... feel like vomit... haix....

feeling unwell

2009-09-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

Haiz....
getting worse....
today never really sleep... go toilet and etc...
my face turn green lo...
bt lucky no one see...
cox early in the morning...
except yami...

then come the xxx msg me.... (cannot reveal his name... incase deardear is reading)
in my blog i call u deardear....
deardear
deardear
you cannot do anything also ...
humph..
ok that not the important point...

the important point is....
half way msg with xxx....
when i reply...
i too use to text deardear le ma...
den press too fast...
msg till his there leh!!!!!
PRESS CANCEL ALSO TOO LATE LIAO...
can you imagine?
I dammmm fucking angry lo...
the msg is not a normal chatting msg leh...
everything I dont want that idiot to know de....
after reading the msg...
he everything will know le lo...
can you imagine?

ai ya....
i dont know la...
is like dont know he got read or not? pray hard he never la hor...
see my name jiu delete away le...
but if he read how?

what should i do?

I really dont know sia.... i mean what should i do?

he know that........

i still care and love him....
i really dont know...
i am so lost..
i thought i can still hide...

you idiot la!!!!
2years nothing we msg so much for what?
Make me use to it....
I already v. becareful these few days sms people never send till your there liao...
but now leh?
you de yi le la!!!! happy le la.... zzz

NAUGHTY BOY LA....
i dont know my past life owe you what sia.... got secret also cannot hide from you.... Zzzzzzz

haiz.....
my life?

stupidity

2009-09-10T02:54:00.000-07:00

I know is stupid...
everyone is saying so..
but can someone tell him...
boy i am waiting for you...
yes i know is stupid...
i know is silly after what ever happen...
everyone say that he is not worth it....

but deardear....

I love you! I really do.....

i am still waiting for your return............

still waiting........

destiny? fated

2009-09-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

I thought....
i once thought..
we are fated and destiny to be together........
because... we gone through so many things...
we are like husband and wife more than just a normal couple....

and before i was born...
"yue lao" already tied us together....
because his name is "ma long"

so coincidence...
his zodiac is dragon - long
mine is horse - ma

his ex... none of them is zodiac - ma...

that was the day...
i know...
we are destiny and fated to be together...

many would say...
zodiac...
is very common...
and yes...
but i believe..
if we were not the one...
out of his 4ex... 1 of them could be zodiac horse...
or maybe his future 1 bahx?
but so far none..
thats why we are special...
that why after so many things...
we thought we will be seperate...
but still together....

yue lao....
can i ask you something....
if we are really destinied to be together....
dont give us any more "kao yan" can?
I very tired le....
my heart already broken le......
if we are fated....
can you kindly just let us be together?

because... without him is as good as torturing me...
i am a nut shell......

i feel v. xin ku....
zhen de zhen de zhen de............
hen xin ku.........
:'(
wo xu yao ta......
wo ai ta........

ke shi........
ta zhi dao ma? :'(

believe or lie?

2009-09-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

its been going 2 days since we last contacted...
I am scared...
to face everything alone...
yet i have to do it...
he is no longer with me.. anymore? i suppose?
I need him...
His support...

I read something and it says...
"let him see the world and believe that after he see the world he will come back to your arms"

my sentence would be...
"he saw the world and decided not to come back anymore"

everyone tell me...
if he love you...
one day he will come back for you...

i used to at least maybe believe that...
he just need to sort thing out..
eventually he will come back and explain to me...
he just need sometimes alone...

but after tuesday....
those words he said to me....
those tones....
i have no confident at all.....
its seems that this r/s had already mark a fullstop...

i remember before i agree to be LMD's gf...
he said...
I will treasure you and cherish you like one ever did...
I will not be like them and neglect your feelings...
I will let you be the happiest woman in the world...
I will never let you tear...
I will never cheat on you....
I will never ever............
let you go.............

these sentences....
keep appearing in my mind..........
but that was just..........
that was just..........
what he said.........

he did it.....
but the opposite...........
the opposite...........

for him treating me like this....
I only got 2 idea on why...

1) He just need sometimes alone now.... trust that he do love me....
2) He just dont want to be with me... he don't love me anymore.......

Is cruel to face the fact....
Reality is always cruel.....

Face the fact that he leave me....
he force me to leave...
he want me to leave......

imagine........
the one you love most tell you...
I dont want to see you...
Never want to see you again....
Even after a decade i also dont want to see you.....

imagine.......
you forgive him........
you forgive whatever he had done that hurt you......
he beg you to stay....
you stay....
and now...
he ask you to leave......

i don't know...
i really don't know...
which to believe in....
the angel htb....
or the devil don?

i am heartbroken...
heart dead....
i am being stabbed...
all over my overheart, body and soul.....

does he know?
does he care?

he said before...
every single night he is crying when i am not with him.....
even when he say break....

what about now?

also the same?

Am i being miss?

every single second?

I wonder......

I love you is true?

or

I dont want be with you is true?

let go

2009-09-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

to love someone....
is to let go?
LOLX...
that is totally bullshit....
I never let you go...
never will...
because you will be in my heart...
forever... :)
But now...
my heart is dead...
truly dead...
whatever it is...
I will face myself...
Dun worry...
Like you say is my own business...
If i were to die...
then ok...
by all means...
is ok...
Doesnt matter anymore...
today i realise...
whatever you have said in the past...
every single thing...
is just dream...
and now i am awake...
your love...
to me...
doesnt and wont matter anymore...
for those silly things I have done for you.....
i wont regret...
because I put in effort and love...
alot alot...
but now.......
wont le...
i will never ever do all these stuff anymore......
you said those 2 years wasnt meaningless and stuff...
but ha.....
don...
from now i will only call you don...
the 2yrs if really the happiest days in your life...
you wont say all these to me...
whatever that I had heard from you today...
from your mouth...
i believe is from your heart...
I dont matter to you at all...
since that the case..
you dont want to treasure me...
dont want to cherish me..
ok...
fine..
someone else would..
our 070707 end....
story mark with a fullstop...
blogskin and stuff never change...
you dont misunderstand...
is not for you...
is for the piggy jie jie... my deardear...
the one I had love before with my heart,body,mind,spirit and soul....
you want do what i cannot do anything...
you want to destroy yourself...
then up to you....
i cant do anything...
i wont do anything...
i dont want to care anymore...
you want you take good care of yourself...
you dont want then i cant help...
if your parents doesnt care...
if you dont care...
or you get a gf tt doesnt care then up to u...
is ur fate...
ur life...
not mine...
i will only say once...
take good care of yourself..
work time becareful..
dun get hurt...
eat and slp in regular manner...
game can play...
but got limit...
the rest...
is up to..
now your EX- laopo...
leave le...
k?
I walk out of your world totally...
dont worry...
I wont go bother you anymore...
I wont text anyone...
I wont even care...
:)
what you want..
you said on phone..
i grant your wish...
i will never ever appear infront of you anymore..
i will not disappear..
bt i will vanish from your world totally...
whatever happen..
i will face myself..
i dont need you to be by my side...
dont tell me you will be by my side..
i am naive...
to actually believe...
believe eternity...
believe that there is you forever...
believe this lifetime and many more....
you will always stay by my side...
bu li bu qi...
to believe that you love me...
believe that i am the most important thing in your life..
your everything...
no...
:)
I AM NOT :)
but is ok...
it doesnt matter anymore...
for what you have done..
is enough le...
this relationship...
yes 2years 2months only...
but infact we got tgt for 2 and a half years...
This period... i learn alot...
i learn what is love...
how to love..
and receive love...
but what i learn most is...
i am too naive that there is tian chang di jiu...
i am too naive to believe every single thing you say...
even if they seem so impossible..
i learn...
i learn what the meaning of getting hurt...
i learn..
i learn what the meaning of pian ti ling shang...
i learn...
i learn what is stupidity...
I never regret to love you...
never regret for everything i have done...
but trust me......
if time go back...
i were to be able to choose again..
i wont give you a chance to show me what is love..
because in the end i left with hurt...
is ok...
everyone has to grow and learn...
at least i learn something...
at least i saw the true side of you...
at least...
thanks to you...
i will never ever believe in love anymore...
i wont...
is ok.....
i dont deny...
2years..
is the happiest thing in my life...
because i truly love you...
although two years i gone through so many things...
nearly end my life...
but the sweet memories will stay...
in my heart...
forever...
the hurtful stuff will never fade also...
never will... :)
we shouldnt have be together...
i shouldnt have give you chance...
because..
we are not suitable..
we are from 2 different world...
we got nothing in common...
i said before...
but so?
no use.. :)
what done can never be undone...
since...
that day i agree to be your girlfriend...
I have never ever think that i will regret...
even what happen now...
i still wont regret...
because i chose it...
i chose to be your girlfriend.
i chose you to be my boyfriend...
so there is no one i can blame..
except myself...
for believe in your eternity...
for belive in true love forever...
but now no le...
winnie tan hwee khim has grown up...
she is no longer a girl...
she is a woman le...
she wont do all these stuff...
she wont care anymore..
:) If i am going to leave this world...
I dont want you to shed a tear...
not a single one...
not because i dont want you sad...
because...
you are not fit...
you are not fit to cry...
Lim ma don..
i am telling you now...
"AI WO ZHI SHI NI KAI KOU DE WAN XIAO"

the next girl you were to take as your girlfriend...
you better be awake and dont hurt people...
you better be...
dont think people treat you good...
love you and etc...
is natural..
and took it forgranted...
it is not a must...
but nevertheless everything lies with you...
i am not your who..
and i am not going to care at all :)

ok...

I hereby announce...
I WINNIE TAN HWEE KHIM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LIM MA DON...
WHATEVER HAPPEN TO ME IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS..
WHATEVER HAPPEN TO HIM IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS...
WE ARE NO LONGER COUPLE....
WE HAD BREAKUP~ ^^

there is nothing to be sad about...
I should be happy...
at least i dont need to suffer anymore...
i dont need to face and believe and survive in lies anymore..

you dont worth my love...
you dont..
:)
but well i never regret loving you too..
eventhough yes you are not worth it...

that all ...
bye deardear.... my piggy jie jie...
i bidding goodbye to you...
the one i love most in my life...
more than myself...
you had gone and disappear..
now is my turn...
i miss you ..
i love you...
but it will only be kept in my heart...
PIGGY JIE JIE, deardear!!! LAOGONG LAOGONG LAOGONG LAOGONG LAOGONG LAOGONG LAOGONG WO AI NI!!!!
ZHEN DE ZHEN DE HEN AI HEN AI NI!!!
but now... i am leaving le..
BYEBYE!!!!!!!!!!
SORRY!!!
BUT I WONT AND NOT GOING TO KEEP THE PROMISE ANYMORE...
I WILL NEVER EVER STAY BY YOUR SIDE ANYMORE...
I AM NOT THE ONE..
NEITHER ARE YOU...
BYE.

i have decided

2009-09-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

I have decided......
To married him.....
I don't want him under stress....
I don't want him doubt....
I don't want myself to go crazy....
I need assurance....
He need it too....

miracle?

2009-09-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

haix... my heart is beating soooooooo fast... I wonder will him come find me? but i guess that is a miracle bahx.. i dont know... damm scare... dammm scared........ i coward till dun even dare to try to call his hp to see if it is still on... i don't know... very scare.... haix... duno...
but i wana tell my dear...

DEARDEAR HTB...

HAPPY 2YEARS 2MONTHS ANNIVERSARY!!!!
WO AI NI SHEN SHEN SHI SHI... YONG BU FEN LI!!!!!!!!!
AI NI!!! MUACKX...

2years2months

2009-09-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

2years2months...
same as last month...
this month he wasnt with me too..
he took leave...
I went to see him today morning just to check.. and yes.. he was playing games...
I wonder...
I really wonder...
why he became like this...
game game game... 6am + in the morning and he still playing games.. 7plus go slp? sleep until evening then wake up.... can you imagine? back to him... the don i know before we stead... everynight just game/anime/manga.... that is his life...
My heart sank... I saw him... den i went to the door... where the living room is... i said...
happy 2years2months anniversary...
then i left......
I dont know.. i really dont know...
what on earth is happening....
to him.....
today he took leave.. specially for me.. but he lied that itwas not confirm to give me surprise... but u know what? he took it for me... but again... we never use the leave together.. in fact alone...

all of them ask me to leave him alone...
give him some space to think...
what if i leave him alone...
and he never ever coming back to me anymore?
I took alot alot of courage to stay and not leave him last month...
this time round...
if he leave...
I will never ever be able to take it anymore....
he is my htb... no longer just a bf so simple.......

i really love him to the extent that i can die for him...
but what about him?
what is he thinking now? i really dont know... really.....

htb... can u tell me... am i ur ex? or future+ present?
we never break up... but ur mum say we are...
what exactly going on...?
can anyone tell me? i really dont know....................

recycle?

2009-09-06T04:42:00.000-07:00

TODAY...
i went... to look... for my HTB... :)
12pm....
saw him sleeping...
Waited till 7pm I went off...
7hr... to see if we were fated...
He woke up...
at 6pm roughly...
Saw his face.....
but...
I don't know... if he saw me..
But i suppose he did...

Before that I look through the window.. saw him sleeping..
HTB.. we are so far yet so near....

I left and use the bottle i drink...
go pluck flower and put them in...
Like what he did last time...
I put a plaster to form a 7 shape...
If he is my htb...
a little sensitive one...
He will understand...
7 =me....
flower in the bottle is our memories... i hang it first time... the delivery man who deliver food came.. and the mom open door... and throw my bottle away.. =.=
i suppose either she know is i put 1 and dont want let madon see... or she just thought it was thrash and throw it away... so i hang it again after the door close...

if my boy... and me... were fated somehow... he will be the one who see the bottle hanging there... so I dont know... leave to fate bahx... whether he saw it or not... i cannot say anything...

My Htb...I don't know what happen...
When my HTB... kiss me and send me home...
text me good night muacks...
But ended up... I left with total ignore when he was suppose to meet me the next day...
Is ok.. That he didnt make it...
Is ok... That I come to find him...
But it will never ever be ok..
When he swear and promise not to leave me alone again...
Not to treat me like this ever again...
He hug me tight and promise you know? He promise me you know?
But now leh?
He ask me to trust and believe him but now leh?

And yes... I am correct...
His parents have been giving him propaganda and pressure to ask him to break off with me...
This come out from his dad mouth...

My deardear... My HTB... he was always so strong... He wouldnt care what happen.. He will never give in... regarding me... But now?

I really dont know le... You say u love me...... you say you really do...
You say you need time... but you still love me...
Shall I trust you? Or should I say can I trust you?
They say if I mean to you... you will come find me.. will you?
Will you? I really wonder....

my heart is already shattered into pieces.......

my surprise? My christmas? My bday? My valentine? I wonder.... would you be there?
you say my surprise I will get it after you come back from austrialia... I will be damm happy... I wonder... now? will I still be receiving it then?

04/09/2009 Friday
10:26pm
Htb

Msg: Good night muacks.

04/09/2009 Friday
02: 36pm
Htb

Msg: My wtb lo. She is the pretty and sexy girl. ..........................................................(cannot reveal)

03/09/2009 Thurssay
06:59pm
Htb
Msg: Sorry. Love you.

02/09/2009
09:21pm
Htb
Msg: Good night. Sweet dreams. Muacks. Love you. Rest well ok. I love you :-*

01/09/2009
11:46pm
Htb
Msg: Promise. Muacks. Go rest then.

20/08/2009
10:49am
Htb
Msg: I wont betray you ever. But i will go crazy like that day when you force me.

19/08/2009
01:16am
Htb
Msg: And chase back la. But I will kill anyone who tries to get you because you are mine alone.

19/08/2009
12:33am
Htb
Msg: You say what you want. I bu chang you.

18/08/2009
11:40pm
Htb
Msg: Sexy. Considerate. Full of love for the one you love. Horny :p cute. when you are angry or sad you look really cute. You just attract me.

18/08/2009
12:27pm
Msg: U ans me.
do u love me? Of course.
are you sorry? Yes
will you change and never repeat your mistake again? Yes
will u regret if u loss me? Yes
i dont love u do u stil want to be with me? Yes
why? No why.
answer all in detail den i gave u my exact ans.

17/08/09
10:31pm
Htb
Msg: Of course i love you. And of course it is not meaningless at all. Its the happiest days of my life. Knowing you give me life.

All these sms and many more... I still keep them with me... Are they from the bottom of your heart or?

I love you, my htb... I really do....
what about you?
tomorrow is 2year 2months anniversary... you promise to celebrate together... then what is it now?

htb?

2009-09-05T05:22:00.001-07:00

I love you...

HTB...

But you left me alone.....

Again.........

This time round I am lost......

I really don't know...

What to do......

You say you will come and look for me...

You say I am your sexy and pretty WTB...

You say you need me...

You say I am important...

You say you love me.......................

You say that..........

I love you, my HTB...

I really do...

But you hurt me again..........

But your silly girl here........

Nevertheless.........

still......

Forgive you.......

Pic above is an evidence.....

HTB...

these 3 letters is meant for my one and only ah toot.....

Money! I hate it...

2009-09-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am so damm stress about it.. really.... deardear cannot take it... neither can I...
He keep in contact with his family members just to get extra money...
I mean at first it is totally nothing wrong with going back to his house...
I always thought... But no... I finally realised that his family members are givign him alot of stress.. Forcing him in one way or another... Before anything happen.. I thought is always fine... but now.. strictly no.. not at all... I am sick and tired of it... I don't know who had force him... or with what... But ya... Seriously...though we are poor... We are in need of money... but anything cannot be compare to him... To me he is the most important one... I cannot afford to lose him... Leaving him alone at the stress area result to nothing but him giving stress to me...

You know just by him going back to his own house... Just by him contacting with his parents... I receive nothing but crap you know? Stress!!! I know his motive... He is trying hard... He have his reason to stay... Last week... I still can endure and thought everything should be quite fine... Is ok de... nothing de... but now!!! hell no ok!!!!

I don't know how I can deliver this message to him that...
HE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY! I SERIOUSLY DON'T NEED HIM TO GET MONEY FROM HIS PARENTS!!!!! REALLY DON'T NEED!!! AND THATS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this whole situation is getting out of control... I know he feel very difficult.. I know he cannot take it anymore... But I can't let him have his way.. I mean is totally not correct...

Being close with his parents just to get money is wrong already...
Because of money parents on upperhand keep forcing him nagging at him and etc is more wrong...
Because of that spoil our relationship is wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong la.. =.=

I mean I am nuts if I am going to let this continue you know? How could I? Cannot loh... these things are like sooo important to me............ Honestly.. Is my HTB that is important to me.... I mean... he will go crazy anytime... I don't want... I rather $2 share one plate of chicken rice... That all... Enough le... I mean really... ok? From now on... I only want him to be by my side 24/7.. though yes I am hurt badly... But who ask me love him so much... Most important thing now is to clear everything... And let him happy...

about me? Next time then say bahx...... that 1 is up to him what to do.........

I only hope... matter can solve today.... I don't want anymore stress le... I cannot take it..... I dun want to end up in IMH sia=.=

I love you, my HTB.... I really do......................

Something sweet

2009-09-03T00:47:00.000-07:00

Though...

very very very unhappy.......

But well.. at least on tuesday night... something nice happen...

Dear and me went to pool fusion 3 to get table and wait for my friends...

Then he wanted to go toilet...

But wasn't willing for me to wait alone the pool area or outside the toilet area was too queit and ULU... so he ask me go inside girl toilet and wait for him... anything just shout...

So at night really damm ulu and quiet...

I went to the toilet...

After I done I open the door... but it cannot be unlock...

I told myself is ok wait awhile.. try again..

I TRIED 4TIMES AND CANNOT....

So I shouted DAMMMM LOUD FOR MY DEAR... Split second.....

He replied... Den He rush out... Den I found the way to unlock it... cause need to press 1 small pathetic button... LOL... dammm freaking scary....

:P He also thought what happen... Then we hug with each other then ok le... :) haha..

Well to me... it shows that he really care... and I am really important....

Remember few months ago I nearly died during his birthday party....

I swim and suddenly choke with water and leg cramp... Nearly drown.... But thanks to Lihao and Guangsheng.... I am save... but really I mean 2-3minute more... they never make it to bring me to a safe place... I am dead for sure.... Deardear dont know how to swim at all.. He went upfront to pull me too... Well, He cried... really cried... he was so scare that he hug me dammm tight... really tight..... As if that if he didn't do so I will disappear......... From then on he don't allow me to swim =.= lolx... Zzzz....

Well, its really like a puzzle... you won't know whether is a perfect puzzle or is it lack of a few pieces until everything finish... There are times I felt insecure... I am like nothing to him...

But there are also times it shows that I really mean something to him... Something that he cannot lose........... I hope......................... that this puzzle is a perfect one despite some scratches here and there...

jealousy

2009-09-03T00:20:00.000-07:00

Don't know should be angry or happy...

I use facebook deardear angry...

And do not allow...

Even threathen to break...

Which I really don't like...

And some of you might found it stupid...

But think it in another way....

He is still that possesive guy as ever......

I belong to him only mindset...

Though is selfish... But I like this selfishness...

As this is to me only...

Only me and no one else.... :)

But I would prefer if he can say his feeling by not hurting my feelings...

Need to be improve ok?

My naughty boy...

sorry

2009-09-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

sorry...

well......

the very first time...

going one month le...

he say it to me......

from the bottom of his heart...

without me telling him anything.....

without me asking.....

he apologise.........

for hurting me...

I was touch...

yet hurt at the same time...

Looking back at those card he gave to me. It was sweet...

I remember the first card ... he did something wrong.....

and I initiate a breakup.. I was firm then...

He ask for a meetup...

so I gave him a chance...

He give me a card...

Written with sorry and etc.....

He said.... he promise to make me the most happiest woman in the world...

He will never ever do anything wrong anymore..........

But now???

All the promises seem so real.......

but none......... seriously none of them he had done it... I feel so tired.... really do.....

I am sooo hurt........

that....

yesterday...

I brokedown..

I cried.......

I don't know what to do now...

Things seems so different....

Do we still love each other?

Can things go back to be the same?

Someone just ask me...

Do I see myself in future to be blissful and happy women as Mrs Don Lim?

Honestly..............

I don't know........

What the meaning of Mrs Don Lim?

A person that Mr Don Lim treasure, love, dote and cherish?

Or is that just a title?

starting a new...

2009-08-31T23:16:00.000-07:00

Starting a new...

isnt as we as we thought it would be...

Alot of thing we have to forgive and forgo...

Alot of thing that has been done can never be undone...

The hurt that he given can never be taken away...

The trust is broken......

The love is missing or hidden....

I did some changes....

Or should I say I have change...

the way of expressing my love and etc........

He notice it...

And didn't like them...

But I don't know what to do..

I am heart broken...

He know it...

trying to avoid topic too...

He is confused and under stress...

I aren't....

Just that......

I really don't know what I can do....

it takes two hands to clap...

boi...

if you are not going to change...

or do anything....

I'm afraid...

our feeling will drift us apart......

Do you still love me like how you do in the past?

Who are you?

2009-08-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder.... who is the one that have been beside me for 2 years...

I realised... till now... I don't really know who he is....

Then why?

Why am I still holding on?

Why am I still lying to myself?

Waiting for miracle?

I don't know....

But the truth is... If I were to chose again... Now really I won't choose back the old path...

Is ok if its hurt....

Is ok to suffer and cry...

But is never never ever ok......

That the love wasn't there... or it wasn't deep enough...

I can accept alot of things...

But not towards the feelings... towards love.....

you know?

I always don't understand...

How can people two-time?

Love... is something that you can only give to one person isn't it?

Till now... I still don't understand.....

But I realised....

True love does not exist....

True Love are just two words for naive people like me to believe...

If true love does exist....

Betray will never exist...

I don't know.... Maybe I have never met the right one in the right place yet...

Or I have.. but is not at the correct time....

I don't know.......

Really.....

What do I want now?

What the purpose of it?

Ya... What if he really got something...

But nevertheless he chose it over me.....

Whatever it is...

He chose to leave me...

Yet, he keep tell me that I am the one that is outmost important...

He said that she doesn't mean anything?

Yet keep telling her, He love her and ask her out?

I want him to bring me to club...

Cannot... Don't want...

Yet, he ask her out for clubbing?

Ya.. Maybe you just say only...

But, come on...

If she were to agree? Won't you go with her?

I was so so so so so so naive to have listen and believe that you only love me.....

I am your one and only one.....

You are guilty and sorry for what you have done...

But now?

I am stupid. Yes I am. The most stupiest woman in the world is none other than the one blogging now...

I saw and heard facts...

Yet I still chose to stay...

Why?

HA..

Don't ask me that...

Seriously...

I don't know at all..

Not at all ok.....

The only thing I want to do now..

Is get everything back to the same...

And slowly find out what had been going wrong?

What happen?

Till then.....

I can't do anything...

But to suffer silently...

Yes..

I admit that I can't let go this relationship....

I may not be a good girlfriend...

But definitely a faithful one....

I put in my heart, my soul into this relationship....

I never hold back anything ....

Just like a spoilt running tap...

Water keep flowing out.....

The water = my love...

I trusted him...

alot...

alot...

alot...

You know?

I can even die for him...

I swear upon this...

If a car would come running towards him...

I will run towards him and push him away.....

If a knife would be going to be stab in his heart...

I pull him aside and let myself be the one....

If we were at the end of the edge of a high rise building...

Being force by enemy that only one to survive...

I would jump down without a second thought and keep him alive...

If one of us has to be force to drink a poisonous liquid...

I will drink it without any consideration......

My love...... is there........

everyone saw it.......

But i don't need anyone to see it...

I love him... wholeheartedly...

Always people tell me...

Your boy will finally one day leave you for another girl..

Your boy will finally one day betray you........

I will always say confidently....

If any reason he were to leave me...

It will never ever because of a girl...

He will never never never ever betray me...

I told everyone this...

No matter what I have doubt of him...

I have never never ever doubt about his heart...

His feeling towards me........

But that was just naive of me......

Girl, people do grow and change....

You have see so many examples....

Yet you trust that he is the special one?

Yes... I trusted him........

Again and again...

I forgive him....

Again and again.....

In the end........

What did I get?

Dump alone outside at plaza singapura, asking other girl/s out...., telling them he likes them and etc.........

What the hell am I?

Subsitute or reservation?

I wonder.........

Does he......................

Boy do you?

Do you ever know what is the meaning of love?

Do you ever know.......

The meaning of heartbroken............

Boy.......

you broke my heart..........

so deep...

It never stop bleeding when I chose to leave.......

You ask me to stay and forgive.........

Yet you make it bleed more than it should be........

Boy you are not the one that I know, love and stay together for two years..........

I don't know who you are........

Not anymore......................

Fate playing on me? Or guiding me?

2009-08-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know I really don't know... This relationship always happen like this...

Whenever one of us want to let go the other of us will pull...

If both of us want to let go then fate/destiny will come...

Yesterday..... I do not want to call dear or text him... I thought we needed some space...

I thoughtmaybe like what he said... is time to let go....... to end everything.......

No point holding on...

So... I decided.... to set alarm clock and went to bed after my tution..

I was damm shag......... Dam tired....

Dear on 07/08/09 12am sharp give me a surprise by recording a meassage and set it as my alarm.... without me knowing at all....... So even after quarrel and etc... I never touch that alarm section that he set.. as is a memories... that is very sweet... So i never touch... but dunno why.. the 4th alarm clock went there.... and it never appear at all... I was panic... sad.. despair... totally lost and broke down...

I try to reset it back to the same but can't I wonder how he did it.. As recording cannot be use for alarm tone... I have really no idea....

So... I thought to myself... should I msg him and tell him? Should I? Or is it God who is telling me... Girl is time to forget and let go...

So i decided to let go.. just call the usuall number of his... listen to the off phone tone and say bye in my heart..... As I know his hp could never be on.......

and you know what? HIS HP IS ON!!! 1 try ok... only 1 try and dear hp is on... I totally break down... I told myself since this is the case... Then I have to tell him irregardless... So I send him a message and went to sleep...

I always say he is not there for me when I need him most... We always thought we should let go... But now.. No... I can't because... fate don't let me to...

I thought before I went to bed... maybe the on phone is just a conincidence... doesn't mean he on for me...... though he did say before.... He always on phone to check how I am... Anything happen or not..

So I sleep....... AND HE COME AGAIN =.= ....... he come into my dream again... I never think of him when sleep ok.. cause I too tired... I only hug his blanket to sleep.. That all... my usual routine... and He came....... But I told him.... is ok...... I let go.....
But then he don't let... He explain to me and etc... and I felt him...... you know? Everything was so real...

You know... 2 years of steading.. I can dream of anybody but v.v.v.v. seldom... he will appear...... v.v.v.v. seldom.... the previous time when I ask him... he say ya.. he did dream of me too... another miracle? I don't know you guyz believe in meeting dream? But I believe if it is too real.... My boi.. is someone who don't dream at all... he always have a deep nice sleep....... But that day... he did.......

So ok.. I don't wanna care all these... as I have not met dear in person yet.... meet him then ask him did he come again or just my imagination?

TOday on my way to see doctor.. I text him... in the midnight time. I try to call once when I woke up for toilet... His hp was off... So I thought it can never be on.. since in the morning he must be busy or rather he know there is a high chance of me texting him... So he will not on the phone... so after texting him... I try to call once... And guess what? Yes he hp is on again....................

I really going cannot take it le lo.. keep like that... To him he say good arh... (whenever I tell him all these) but to me not very good ok.. when everyone tell me to give up.. even HIMSELF tell me to let go... and when I listen and wanted to... either he pull me back or up there... will show me something that girl.. you still have to hang on....

I don't know... I really don't know... my boi...

our couple jacket... I give boiboi 1... but dunno why... I give him... I remember damm clearly I put the XL into his bag.. give him his.... Den I am using my own 1.. which is L.... but don't know... fate hinting us again? I am using it for days. bUT i DON'T KNOW.... no wonder.. the smell so familiar.. I thought I miss him too much... then in the end.. is XL =.=... haix..... why all these thing keep happening?

I miss you boi...

I know what happen to me le..... but boi... it isn't a good news.....
What should I do? I am not strong enough.. I can't face any of this.. without you... I can't.... I really can't boi....

If one day I were to leave this world........ sooner than you and I have expected... What should I do? What will you do....

Boi.. will you leave or stay this time?

I really don't know... I can't hold it any longer.........

I need you boi.......

But am I selfish to keep you by my side?

Can I be selfish like you?

I want to......

Despair

2009-08-25T02:29:00.000-07:00

I am despair... Couldn't concentrate at all... I don't know what to do...

Messages of I don't love you keep flashing my mind...

What about the I love you then?

Are they real? OR just joke?

I don't know...

I am hit with a disastrous fact.... I can't take it anymore...

Hoping for saturday or weekend to come by...

I need to settle all this...

See him with my own eyes...

Feel it with my own heart.......

2years ago is it a mistake for us to meet?

It is still yet to be confirm....

What done can never be undone.......

2009-08-24T04:07:00.000-07:00

This is a new phase.........

Our relationship is riding our roller coaster... down all the way to the bottom...

what done can never be undone.......

I really don't know... really......

Trying to get it over... and have a new start...

But I seriously...

Really...

Don't know why....

Why suddenly all thess things happened?

Our relationgship is getting harder...

Every step we took... Is under so much so much stress... you know?

We both tried to give up halfway....

But whenever this happen... One of us will pull and hold it tight...

Because we know....

Deep in our heart..

How much we matter to each other...

It is irreplaceble....

But now nothing went wrong....

suddenly... this happen........

I have not gotten a reply since yesterday...

I am so lost...

I didn't know..........

Didn;t know what to do...

There so many times....

That I told myself...

Gal...

Is time for you ....

To let it go....

Gal...

Why are you still holding on?

I don't know...

Yes....

I admit...

I could't bear to let this end...

Deep down in my heart........

He still matters most...

But NO...

Thats not the reson why I still holding on...

I hold on because........

He love me..........

No matter what happen....

He love me........

And that for me is enough.......

There are times...

I question myself...

Does he really love me?

But subsquently.. thinking back........

Evidence...

Proof to me that yes he do....

No matter he is angry, sad or disappointed...

I am the one who matter to him most.........

At least...

This I am confidence of...............

scare

2009-08-23T01:34:00.000-07:00

Haix... i am so scare now... alone at lan shop.. waiting for deardear.... everything went smooth and fine.. nothing happen .. no quarrel but lovely....

but suddenly.. my deardear nv reply me msg at all.... not at all.... which is very weird..... my dear will never lyk tt de.... den suddenyl... about 1hr + he text me say breakup.. say we not suitable.. then went MIA...

I am soooo scared.. feel like crying now.. no matter how many msg i text him... how many call i give he never reply me at all.... I really don't know why...

If we quarrel.. then maybe I understand... But no.. den suddenly like that....

I suppose because he is damm stress bahx.. cox deardear alone with his parents now....
den today his dad saw me... and should be very unhappy and nag him and etc bahx?

if not deardear won't like that de.... cox I suppose now he is dammm stress... going breakdown soon.. I don't know what I can do as a girlfriend... 1st time.. I felt so helpless.... felt so useless that my dear is facing so much stress.... and as his girlfriend there is nothing I can do....

He must have gotten all nasty conversation and stress... and kena force.... but me.. only know how to spam him.. and forget the situation that he is in now...

I am sorry my dear... I promise later we meet I will sayang and everything... won't throw temper or what... Haiz...

why is our r/s full of ups and down?

He is in such a state now.. going break down le.. yet they still wanna add on his stress... can't they be more understanding? Haiz....

But there are things that I am at fault too... though I am trying my best to change... But I am still not an understanding gf.... have to try harder...

sorry my dear.. I love you... :-*

I am going find him now... guess he should be at home bahx.. maybe too tired.. cox he never get enough sleep....

god.. Please bless me.. Thanks.. I need it..... Bless me that my trip won't be wasted.. bless me taht I can find him / get him.. thanks...

what am i thinking now?

2009-08-18T06:35:00.002-07:00

Honestly I don't know worx... tmr last paper le.. :)

haix.......

Mummy very stubborn worx...

towards me and his relationship...

I know is for my own good...

but i feel stress when she don't understand me...

feeling can't be control...

haix...

that day told her le..

but don't think she get it bahx?

We are like going to restart...

But she don't understand... don't like and don't want....

How to tell her sia?

We are still together...

told her that day le... she say orh...

Now like that...

Hiaz..

I feel so stress

my weight

2009-08-18T06:35:00.001-07:00

Lolx...

sian sia... I still got so much weight to loss sia.. :(

from 66kg...

I now drop to 61kg... well a good sign...

but still got 10 more kg to go!!!!

can you imagine?

k. i took 3 weeks to lose 5kg...

so estimate I need about 1 and a half month to return back to my last time weight.....

omg.... it seems to be lyk sooOOOO long la.... hope it can be faster lo....... I wanna slim down...

wear nice nice clothes........

I hate to be fat!!!!

Start a new?

2009-08-18T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well....

now everything seems so different...

Start a new?

I wonder if I could...

Is no longer the same...

and can never be the same...

yes...

I admit i am possesive...

yes...

I admit I can't let go...

but I can't and never will forget the incident that had happen..

its totally different..

no matter how much I love you...

How much you love me...

It can never change the fact that it happen...

I will and can never forget it.......

now what left is only you to prove...

prove to me...

you are sorry...

you will change......

guess friends is always the better status

2009-08-14T18:35:00.000-07:00

i dunoo... dun ask me anything please.....

I dunno....

at least I feel better now...

i understand that no one will die because someone is leaving or had left...

but from my understanding point...

something that will die..

and never revive...

will be my heart....

its already dead..

and will never revive...

never ever......

I had enough......

what has been done.....

won't change......

I am nothing..... at least I believe when the moment you did all those... I am.....

is always cruel to face the reality..

but i have no choice but to face it alone...

no one will ever ever understand my feeling.....

How I am feeling all these while...

I am like a nutshell...

I never step out....

I have never ever...............

step out from 07/07/07............

you know? how sad I am?

living is like a torture to me...

I rather GOD...

take pity of me...

take away my memories that I had with him...

every single one....

I don't want to remember a relationship like this....

A love like this......

I really don't want......

I pray to GOD up there, out there........

Please give your kindness to this sinful girl.........

Look at her state right now...

She can't take it anymore............

She need to forget him.....

every single memory with him........

she don't want it anymore........

she is hurt.......

exhausted........

dead........

God.........

why?

What has she done to receive this?

What has she done?

Why did you let her meet him?

Why did you let her fall for him?

Why did you let her trust him?

Why did you let her get hurt?

She is just an innocent girl back then... looking for a love that is everlasting...... that is pure and innocent........ is that so difficult???

Yes..... she is always naive.... always thought that there is such thing as true love.......

But she is wrong.......

There is no such thing as everlasting love.....

There is no such thing as I can't live without you......

There is no such thing as one and only one......

every relationship is just like a passerby..

pass through your life and will be gone.......

the last that stay with you is a gift from GOD.

I learn that now..........

I blame myself for loving him.....

Blame myself to step into this relationship despite everyone warn me...

Blame myself for being so naive............

I can only blame myself........

ai wo zhi shi ni kai kou de wan xiao

2009-08-13T05:11:00.000-07:00

shi ma?

qing ai de.

rang wo zui hou yi ci zhe yang jiao ni.

liang nian de ai zhi shi wo men de wu zhi.

zhi shi wo dui ai de dan chun.

dang yi qie dao le yi ge duan lou.

shen me dou mei you.

qi shi ai wo zhi shi ni kai de wan xiao.

wo men de ai.

qi shi mei you chun zai guo.

yi qie zhi shi wo liang de meng.

wo men yi wei ke yi.

pei zhe dui fang.

dao lao.

dao si.

dan qi shi shen me dou bu shi.

yin wei ni cong lai mei you ai guo wo.

wo gen ni zhi shi bu xiao xin cha jian er guo.

wo zhi dao.

ai wo zhi shi ni kai kou de wan xiao.

I don't know

2009-08-13T03:44:00.000-07:00

WHY????
WHY??
WHY???

Why you say I can't go to him when you said you don't want me?

When you said I am nothing...

When you said you have fallen for someone else...

I don't wanna share...

I don't wanna share my boyfriend HTB with anyone...

Even feeling also CANNOT!!!!!!!!!

I AM MORE POSSESIVE THAN WHAT YOU THINK OK!!!

YOU KNOW HOW I WANT MY LOVE TO BE LIKE!!!!!!

SO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok!!!! LIM MA DON!!!!!!!

but... but... but....

why??? I don;t understand... why you don't let me go when you want me to go?

they said is because you are selfish..

But deep in my heart...

I am asking....

Is it... because... you still love me and care for me...?

But you hide them up?

I know is silly to think this way.....

But at least... this is the only way.. that I know..

you still care...

I ask you whether have you dream of me......

you said yes....

that night.. the dream was so real...

I felt yor tears...

I heard all your sorrow...

you told me you didn't mean it...

I don't know... these 2 years... you know I don't really dream of you...

And you don't dream... But that night we meet...

and the dream was soo real......

I dunno...

I really dunno....

But deep inside my heart...

I trust...

the dream was true..

because you said you dream of me too......

I only wanna know.... Do you still love me???

If I go to him would you be happy?

If you would...

I don't mind...

I can do so...

For the sake of you..

am i nothing?

2009-08-11T00:40:00.000-07:00

well today i really know what the meaning of break..... heartless and etc... to him... i am nothing... no longer anymore........ its isn't like last time...

LIM MA DON DUNNID WINNIE TAN HWEE KHIM ANYMORE!!!!

to him... the 2 years might be nothing at all... he say today is his trueself... he say i force it...

i dunno... really dunno... i am not going to care anymore....... he dun wan me... he say he dun wan me... wad can i do?? Ha.. WADEVA LA.....

he wan love me jiu love... dun wan sua la............................................

machiam these 2 years those that I did is a laughing stock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wadeva k... LIM MA DON I KNOW YOU WILL BE READING THIS....

BUT I GOING TELL YOU I AM NOT GOING CARE ANYMORE... U WANNA GAME... U WANNA FLIRT... U WANNA BU TING HUA AND DESTROY YOUR LIFE.... I CAN'T HELP U K!!!!!

I dunno you! really dunno you at all.... k? my deardear will never hit me... will never ever treat me like this... you are not my deardear! he is dead... my heart is dead too...

I say once and I mean it!

" LIM MA DON! YOU DON'T WANT CHANGE BACK NO ONE CAN HELP YOU LE!"

no one is going tolerate your temper like wad i did... no1 is going care for u lyk wad i did... no1 is going let u kick far far... still so stupid stand there say love u trust u...

at least NO ONE WILL ACCEPT YOU IF YOU BETRAY HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok? i dun care... i dunno k!!!!!!! i am going have back my life... I WON'T LET YOU DESTROY IT ANYMORE....

though to you i am nothing...... from 18/06/07, 02/07/07, 07/07/07,20/07/07.......

but I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY THIS EVEN IF YOU ARE LOOKING!!! I NEVER REGRET!!!!!!!!

never before.......... not last time not now.... the 2 years 1 months is wonderful to me... i put my love in... entirely! from 07/08/09 afternoon 3pm onwards, everything, every single thing is a lesson for me... to learn and grow...

go and think and do wadeva u wan bah... if tt make u happy... by all means!!!!

I AM GOING SHOUT ONE LAST TIME!!!!

" DEARDEAR WO AI NI!!!! BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!! TILL ETERNITY!!! BYEBYE!!!!!!"

Turn back and be yourself!!! dun wan u regret again... wake up bah... last time gaming also make u lyk tt.. now u still going back? U SAY NO1 LOVE YOU... DEN U ASK URSELF AGAIN.... ARE YOU SURE... OR ARE AVOIDING AND HIDE URSELF UP AGAIN? DUN GIVE ME BULLSHIT THAT U R LYK TT... U BLOODY LANJIAO.... U R NOT!!! AND I DUN BELIEVE I COX U TO CHANGE TO LYK TT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW U CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE........ BUT PLEASE STOP THAT!!!! STOP EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP TORTURING URSLEF!!!!!!!!!!!! U R ALWAYS KIND HEARTED I BELIEVE.... ALL ALONG UR FEELING WAS TRUE I CAN FEEL IT!!! EVEN SATURDAY!!!!!!!!! K!

u go think bahx... till then.... i am not going to care anymore...

i only love my deardear.... the one who love me, treat me nice nice, the wan who keep try all soughts of method to let me ROM with him and etc... not the u now... is last time.......

SO BYE K!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE CARE!!!!!!!

i am NOT going to say i love you anymore... becox................................ same as you... i dunno now k...................................

lost...

2009-08-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

my dear? i am lost.. i dunno wad i am to u anymore? within less that a night i became nothing.. and u went to give the love to someone else... i didnt blame u... but u assure... and reassure me that.. u will never ever fall for anyone else... you will never ever love anyone else... i don't know how to tell you the sadness and disappointment i had... as I had no words to describe.. but I hope... you will come back to me.. tmr is my last chance...

I have never went to think... how serious the problem of our relationship has become... i am sorry... AS UR LAOPO I FAILED TO NOTICE... i am sorry to have neglect your feelings all these... as I always thought... dear say ok means ok... i should'nt have.. I have sorry that I am always not satisfy or never feel enough for whatyou had done and plan for me.. I never learn to appreciate that.. It must have hurt you most... I am sorry... for being so useless... but I SWEAR... I will never do that again... I will learn and care for you... in your way.. not mine... i will not let you suffer anymore... I am sorry... i know fri to you... was really a huge set back... if not you won't like that... I am sorry... but I will change.. I know somehow maybe not much I still matter in your heart... your action and everything shows me that... I know... and I am not lying to myself...

I just want you to know... I am always here for you.. no matter who leave you... I will still and always be there... ok? and care for you.. love you... i swear and promise that before.. and going to keep that till the day I die... as I swear it with my life... no matter how far you gonna kick me away... how dead you are for me.. I am going to stay put... and won't leave despite bleeding and hurting... no matter how pain or difficult it is I will still love you... if your heart is dead for me... I will revive it... if I had disappointed and hurt you badly... I promise not to do that again.. and will make up for it...

however.. if really one day... no matter what I do... is not going to work anymore.. I became a hinder to your life... someone whom you don't love and detest... and someone whom is nothing....
and being hated...

I will leave... your heart... and your sight.... from your world... and this world... never appear again.. i will not disappear but vanish.... no why.. not because i don't treasure my life or I don't listen to you... is because... what you always have said...

:" I can't live without you."

PS: I love you

123456789

2009-08-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

123456789

i dunno... i really dunno... what to say or do right now.. maybe you are readig now... maybe you are not.... what i want and only can say is that i care for u... and when i say that i mean that...

i dunno what happen again...

maybe its because of me........ but i don't know... i really don't....

now you are not around... at least i hope...... you can cool yourself and think about it....
about us.....

do you think what you do is right? do you love me? do you want to continue?

if you ever think that you are wrong... u can call me up... my hp didnt spoil........ and i on it...

well i know is disastrous now....... bt i am here......... as long as i love u... everything is ok...... but if u leave me... i really dunno................. i only know 1 thing now is that 123456789 i love you

2nd time

2009-07-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

the chain....is broken for the second time... no more fixing... no point fixing...

its time for me to change............

i am not fit for them? nvm...

always buy le u make spoil?

nvm.......

i am going back :)

hui dao guo qu....

i wun let u know.....

i wun let u notice....

maybe when u happen to notice...

its way too late........

i say before....

no more.....

since to u....

the vow and etc is not impt....

u can treat me lyk tt...

den forget it.....

i am determined to leave this time round...

not in a chaos manner....

but slowly quietly....

nothing.....

just because... our love is not there..

just because u never cherish......

to u is nothing..

lyk u say...

action speak louder than word...

you yi tian.....

ni jiang fa xian ....

wo bu hui zai ni shen bian...

bu hui zai ni de xin li...

chong jing tian kai shi...

ni hui fa xian da da...

da da de gai bian...

wo bu hui shi wo.....

Inferior ad lost

2009-07-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

Haiz... dunno why maybe i over sensitive but the feeling of inferior that has been gone for long or hidden has came back.. I dunno what to do... because of a msg i become so intense... and thoughts start to wonder....

ytd.. someone msg my dear... was a friendly chat asking whether is my dear continuing his job... well this gal name is ERH XIN MEI... they exchange hp no as they need to contact on the first day. She was the one who first day bring my dear to the place to work as instruction given by the boss becox my dear was a new staff... apparently i dunno who on earth the one who msg my dear is as no name is being save... so i thought maybe some guy his collegue? so i called... then a gal pick up.. apparently i supposed she heard my voice rather than my bf voice so she pretend to keep hello~~~ den when i raise my voice she pretend that she heard... i ask her who is she... she said " i am his friend"...

Upon hearing this word friend my temper hit limit .... who on the earth is she to make friend with my boi? i mean i ask my boi.. he dun even regard her as a friend.. :@!!!!

ok so.. i ask friend? got name wad... wad ur name la... den she erm erm erm then finally she say her name xin mei!!!! then i was fucking pissed cox.. this bloody gal no. i have deleted from my bf hp.... so i wonder she msg my boi for? well nvm i was still calm... i thought maybe my boi ask her to take the form and etc... so i asked... why did u msg him? she say juz ask him whether is he continue working.. so i ask oh hhhh ok.. he ask u to take form for him is it? she say NO... this is where my volcano erupted!!!!! (I WAS THINKING NO DEN U MSG HIM FOR FUCK?) den i asked... so did he msg you? ( i thought maybe my boi msg her mah so she msg back nothing wrong) then she replied!!!! erm no... den I hit limit liao.. I say nvm... ok then bb...

so i confronted my bf.. went to check his list of msging pple.. then found tt bitch number.. which is number after his dad.. so which is a few days back.. so i ask my boi.. why u say nv msg her... den got her contact in ur msging list? den he said juz msg er to ask her help him get the form... so i say den why she say nv... den he say how i knw... well i have fucking no evidence.. so i cant do anythng... he delete his sent items... den i went on... how u gt her number since i deleted? he say get from others.. but wad make me pissed is... WHY NEED HER TO HELP HIM TAKE FORM?? CANNOT ASK OTHERS MEH? WHO THE FUCK IS SHE?

ok then he diam diam... follow by he did nasty thign to me... though he apologise and etc.. bt i was damm hurt... nearly really end this relationship.. I meant it real... not childish act..

after that ask him to msg tt gal not to call him or msg him again he die oso dun wan.. make me damm pissed!! well i do understand lyk v. wad bt i seriously dun lyk tt gal ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
den i msg... in a v. nice way... in the end the gal never reply....

i dunno why.... bt i felt inferior... and the gal msg him during his army time? cox tue dear suppose to be in amry but he with me... cox mc.... count herself suay...

but well.. dunno why i feel lyk letting go this rs. ya i have no confidence and trust regardless of myself or my bf... i dunno wad going on between them maybe nothing.... just that i over sensitive or maybe.. tt is really something.... another reason for me being so sensitive is also because my dear lyk to delete other pple msg... so how would i know??

i dunno.... bt if sat..i going see things... and if my boi lie that she is damm fuckign fat when i see that she is not... maybe i will end this rs... i v.v.v. tired... i know my boi love me alot... but i dunno... really dunno... other than me... is he seeing anybody else? fond of any1 else? or lyk or wadeva shit... or even friends...

i became over sensitive and possesive.... this bitch make wad i try to hide and forget appear again... she make me doubt on my rs again.......... i dun deny tt the factor of trust in our rs is weak..

dunno why went to yahoo and search for her name and etc.... found out that... she is from anderson JC... should be JC1 if I am not wrong.... full name ERH XIN MEI... well she better dun contact my bf anymore... if i find that again..... I cfm make it v. ugly in her work place... and my dear... u can prepare for a breakup...

suddenly.. dunno why i thnk off those number without names keep appear on my dear phone... who on earth are they? dear keep say army personnel....
i going to check this time round... every single one......... if one more time................ i call and is a gal who answer............ my next post will be on breaking up........

rem... if i result to breakup i will never turn back.. i cant stand betray... not even once... never.... even it is just friend... i gave u chance but if u lied so dun blame me for that.............

why need to study? =.=

2009-07-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

haix....... tmr IB ICA2 30% OMG.... haix.. well... i hope.. to burn the whole book and drink it like "fu shui" so that i will able to combined it with my heart and mind.. den answer all the question within that 1 and a half hour... scary leh... is lyk no difference as compare to an exam nor...

actual was kinda angry with deardear de... but leh.. he put my msg tone as he recorded voice...
"Laopo wo ai ni" den make me cannot angry... cox upon hearing his voice... i feel sooo sweet nor...
wan to angry oso cannt... lolx.. evil him.. evil trick...

he say is a form of his xinyi.. when he is not with me at least I can listen to him say I love u... everytime.. ^^

ok... chater 3 liao.. 4 more to go.. sian sia......... i dunno why suddenly i dun feel lyk studying.. and i have decided to join moe next semester.. lazy to find job for the moment bahx... haix..

2nd anniversary

2009-07-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

Well... its been so long.. that we have come this far... we have been together for 365days X 2... although all these while we have never fail to quarrel... but nevertheless.. we love each other deep enough to endure...

so yesterday we went for virtual rider.. $3 per pax.. were like erm? mend for kids.. :x but we just took it.. cox i want.. kinda fun... 1st time took that also.. those who are as childish as me can try :P

For lunch we went to kuishinbo... $20.90 per pax.. COX we eat for 1hr only.. WAHAHAHA... ok he say express price... he is nagging beside me for food.. noisy hor? :X not bad though.. but nothing fascinating.. he say disappointing.

Inside the rider

outside the rider..

Its~~~~ Archery time!!!!

Den headed to archery.. so fun... haha.. i got higher den him :x he got 26 lyk tt.. I got 98 ... ok la.. is opposite.. he got the 90+ play cheat de.. i got 20+ use own power de.. :P :X well he is nagging now.. dun care k? den we headed to arcade... spend $10.. but get nothing.. cox he lousy .. :X den went to watch ice age 3.. sooo cuute lol.. is 3D de.... Heex.. the baby elephant sooo cute.... mammoth <--- he wan de.. SO NOISY!! SHUT UP...

My score :26

His score : 98

After that we went to the toys'r'us to look FOR MY DOLLDOLL... u know why i caps? COX THAT IDIOT IS DAMM IRRITATING BESIDE ME LA!! but don't have..

den we went to carrefour... wanted to buy the cupcake thngy... but nvr.. cox i wan to buy doll.. den i say see vivo got not... if got den means i fated to buy.. but never lo... sad.. nvm.. will go buy 1 day.. :X

The transformer!!!
@ vivo toys'r's

Our couple tee

den went vivo city.. go change my bag.. but tt ccb cashier.. say never bring receipt cannot.. kuai lan lo.. i curse her!! MAKE ME ANGRY.. TYPICAL CHINA CHICKEN! $1 for 1.

On 6/7/09.. he bring me go manicure and pedicure on midnight.. sweet thought of him.. was touch.. :) :-*

den went to buy my doll doll.. :P Cute hor??? YAY.. well.. i chose damm long.. cox the accessories all gone... sad.. nevermind i can go others place to find!!!! den i bought the $79.90 doll.. with toilet bowl and others.. :P lalal.. sooo OOO cUuuTEEE.. i want the other accesorries oso hor...!! understand? U BESIDE ME DUN KAYKAY!!! U KKJ...

ok.. den went home.. quarrel as usual.. c lor.. people.. 2years liao still wanna quarrel with me.. ming ku lo.. :"( sobsob.. u all dunno my sorrow lo.. :'( :P
he is nagging aGAIN.....!!!! =.=

den he bought a shou hu shen for me.. a t-shirt... a love seed handphone strap... a bag.. a bracelet.. puzzle tt i dun really like.. but ok la.. is a gift from him..den he keep complaining say he chose v. long..

Love you k? though u always bully me lo.. nvm.. i ming ku :X

and ya!! got selfmade card.. actually was v. happy and surprise de.. but as usual.. wrong!!! chinese word!! haiz.... though this time round got improve 1 nia.. .. but haix!! muz jing bu k? but v. cute and sweet.. Love u.. this i s my dear.. who chinese kns... but still write chinese for me.. k.. i go home put pic .. bb~~~~~

bit and pieces about me

2009-06-30T01:03:00.000-07:00

ytd watch the bai wan da ge xing....
GOT ZHEN YUAN CHANG!!!! so shuai~~~~ :X
ok.. anyway they went to challenge... and yuan chang by rite nt good in singing cox they keep tease him and etc... but i wonder if anyone did notice that yuan chang singing is not bad... just that he don't dare to sing alone... if you happen to really on of his fan... go and listen again... the 1st part when they sing Andy Lau : "LIAN XI"

the chorus part... yuan chang sing out loud... and really nice... but wonder did anyone notice or not... so to me... he just no confidence.... if he really go for training and etc.. he confirm can do a very good job... too bad I don't have the fortune to be his friend... if can let him know lo!! K.. enough of my dreaming... but I am serious and sincere in my comment.. I even record down.... v. Nice!!!!

Chorus: 我已开始练习　开始慢慢著急著急这世界沒有你已经和眼泪说好不哭泣但倒数计时的爱该怎么继续我天天练习　天天都会熟悉在沒有你的城市里试著刪除每个两人世界里那些曾经共同拥有的一切美好和回忆

ok... that bout my idol.... about me... i getting more tired... stress out by project and etc...... i really wan a stop.... i wanna go on holiday.... I really hope I can... and I hope... if christmas is coming... i hope santa claus can grant me a sum of money so that I can go on a week holiday with my dear... stay free from the stress environment...

I NEED MONEY!!! savings... is important

bread or love?

2009-06-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I always thought one will give up their bread because of love.... once you love someone deep enough... you will willing to sacrifice every single thing for him/her...

However, there are some willing to let go their love because of bread.... to them, surviving, money all these are important in this society, in this world.. yes in fact they were right... however, there is something call simple... maybe you can live in the medium line with a house and a car.... normal spending.. not till the extreme.. is also a bliss... luxury is a good thing... but is not a must....

To me... I just want simple... maybe abit of luxury if I can afford... but not that much... however, I understand how the society work, and human are born greedy... but well.. I JUST DUN LYK MA... :(

Don't know... but i am fortunate that deardear same thinking as me... we want good life but must work for it... but our good life is just a simple living... :) my dear will chose me over bread... same as me... lalalalala...

today dear made me v. sad at 1st... but now v. happy... deardear nv force me.. he dote on me sooo much nor!!! he never angry... he allow me talk and etc... i really appreciate it... really.... thanks... i dunno what to say.. but i am very happy.... I LOVE LMD.....!!!!! ONE AND ONLY ONE :)

and wanna thx piglet too... she today tell me... i walk so long le... i can de... really thx... i am so touch when i see this! yup!!! can de!!! I will... and you too k!!!! 3 of us walk long long long long... till we grow old!!! :)

disappointed....

2009-06-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

you know? ytd... after my 5th msg to ask you call me and you rejected.... I went to talk to other guyz on irc.. and on phone.... and i feel happy and easy.... but deep in my heart... i only wanna talk to you... thats why i keep msg u.. despite you tell me u dun wan... if fact.. the msg, i am already hurt.... but i only wan u... and i told myself... you wun disappoint me... no matter wad you will still let me nag until ok...

u didnt send any good nite msg.. and I have to ASK you to send... do you thnk I am happy? I feel so numb about our rs... ya .. i have to bear with it and endure... but not how you treat me lyk this... do you know that? my heart is so numb now.... b4 i msg or call u.. i predicted that you WUN reply... do u thnk i lyk this prediction?

ytd talking to other guyz... cox only gt guyx... i feel relax... i feel at least gt some1 to talk to... u said u r sorry... really sorry.... but whats the point? suppose u saw this post u will be angry ba... will be asking me who the guy/guyz is/are... den ask me not to talk to them anymore... SORRY I WONT!!!!! but no matter what... i only love you.. that for sure... ytd talk to shahsa... she say about engagement thng.. i thought there was really a procedure and I am so happy... i wanna be engage to u.... everything to me is only u.... i am happy that u say that ur future is me....

till apr.. meanwhile... i have no choice... but to endure... and i will say... if u going to ignore me or etc... i will still sms all these with other pple... but my priority is u... as in... ur msg and call is the 1st place I will reject other pple call... and reply their msg last if MY OWN BF MSG AND CALL ME!!! so can I hope for that?

Don't ask me to dun contact them.. cox this will only make me sad further... what i want.. is you to change... not ask me to what.... but i swear and promised... i will always be by your side.... i will abandon u................... i will be there to support u always....!!! gambatte ne laogong!!!! i wait for you to change....

Love you always....

Laopo.... :-*

I don't understand

2009-06-23T09:41:00.001-07:00

I don't understand... I really don't.... why... why do you need to hurt me times and times again? I am so tired................ Why? I need a guy that give me love, care, concern and security ... not a guy who keep hurting me.. not a guy who don't understand me.......... not a guy who don't appreciate me........

I want a absolute boyfriend... I am tired of u.... i really had enough le!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!